Hello annxo: I'm sorry you are going through this difficult period.  You mentioned you had recently had an abortion. So I wanted to share these articles from PsychCentral's archives with you:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/underst...overy-process/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/mater...lindsey-uhrig/
I wish both you & your bf well... 
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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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