Really enjoyed our convo here last week and I wanted to share with you all that I did as planned and talked to my T about what we talked about here. It led to a pretty deep conversation that came around to her saying that I don't let her in. I share what's bothering me in detail, and don't withhold in that way. But she said that I seem to refuse to allow her to help me; that I don't keep her with me outside of sessions, that I don't let what she says sink in. She said that I don't use her like other patients do. I appreciate that last part because it actually sparked my wish to be like other people, worries that I'm not doing therapy "correctly", etc. That's an idea that one could run with, and I know she is careful about what she says to me and how she says it; I'm glad she put it that bluntly.

I'm just summing up quickly here. I know this might seem like a cool thing to realize and discuss, but this feels like such a big issue that I don't know the parameters of. And, as with everything, I doubt my ability/willingness to really do something about it. It's also really hard to face the idea of how alone I am. It's like I go out into the world like someone diving into the sea in a wetsuit. I may be immersed but nothing gets in.

Just wanted to share, and I'm happy to talk more as you all want to as I consider this sooo important and liked talking with you all about it.