I totally get this, Mona. As you know I stopped going back to my exT about 10 weeks ago. I too enjoy the freedom, the carelessness. I keep wondering whether therapy actually added significantly to my "problem load", because since I left I found myself able and strong enough to deal with the rest. This will probably not last forever, but I'll take it and enjoy it as long as it lasts!

Have you ever tried any "non-verbal" form of therapy? like art therapy or methods focusing on your body and what you're experiencing in your body? I've found that both approaches helped me to improve in a long-lasting and sustainable way. And much more "gentle" because it is not so much about WHAT I've experienced but how, and to somehow reach a place of "integration", without actually having to "repeat" the trauma experiences over and over again.