This day has been insane. I think I will die at a young age, this anxiety is barely bearable. I don't know how I will survive my life.

So a summary: I am a radiology resident, I am starting my first year at what will be my main hospital for five years; I have social anxiety, avoidant and squizoid personality disorder... Social relationships are my biggest fear... I have been avoiding living by hiding myself in a cocoon. I am weird or I think I am, which is the same.

At the hospital every where I turn it is terrifying and I feel so lost, I haven't memorized the places very well. There I was knocking at the dressing room's door thinking it was the secretary's office, until someone asked what I was doing... I got with my pen stucked in my hair while talking with my tutor... I lost my mobile phone and I didn't notice it, when I came back to the hospital after lunch my tutor had it (I had been through many people's hands until they gave it to her... She asked me to lock the door, I did it, but left the keys in the locket.

The other first year resident was telling me I looked unhappy yesterday... Great! And she is being open with me and wants to do everything radiology related with me, just the two of us. I can't handle it. Also she has an oncologic disease still going through quimo with some relapsing probability and it scares me, I don't want to say the wrong think. She is what I call a cool rich person, very sociable with friends everywhere... I am only familiar with my cocoon and must confortable shutting down my emotions. She talks about going abroad for many months, just the two of us, and do things like partying... I don't want to deceive her and it is making me more anxious, but I am embarassed of my social reclusion.

Today has been nuts. I felt like throwing up, like fainting, I had to excuse myself and going home for lunch because I just needed a break.

Thanks for reading this, I needed to vent.