Session today was good; I feel ok. We talked about my goals in therapy, we talked about his goals for me. We talked about the phone policy change. But, primarily, we talked about my constant preoccupation with trying to avoid causing C any annoyance or frustration.

It seems that, in all of my relationships, actually, I spend a good bit of effort worrying about and trying to avoid annoying or frustrating the other person. I am afraid of and uncomfortable with frustration. I grew up in a home where frustration was synonymous with "blowing up."

It turns out, C has actually already experienced frustration in our relationship (and I did not die). He gave me a couple of examples: 1. any time I tell him that I am actively avoiding contacting him, 2. the conversation on Tuesday that led to him changing the phone policy.

We defined, of course, the obvious: that I am afraid of him pulling away from, rejecting, or leaving me. And he continues to say we need to experience frustration, and I need to experience being angry at him, so that I can see that these things do not destroy the relationship or him -- so that, in my real life, I can stop avoiding frustration, because it ultimately leads to me "blowing up" too.

We also talked about contact/the phone policy. C stated that his goal for me was to need to contact him less. Now, of course a part of me hears this only as "You need to contact me less." I brought this up right away and asked him to explain further what he meant. I also told him I knew he wasn't saying that I needed to contact him less -- well, logical TMC knew. And I said I understood that the goal wasn't about contact at all but rather that I would feel secure and safe enough in our relationship that I would not be constantly worrying about whether it was still there. 3 years ago, I would not have been able to handle this exchange - I would not have been able to be calmed by logical TMC. But, today, I was... so, clearly, there has been progress.

I asked him at the end if he had brought up goals because I wasn't going fast enough. To which he said "fast enough for?" I said "you" he said "towards?" I said "what is this, MadLibs?"

He told me he wants me to go as fast as I can (and logical me chimed in 'he doesn't mean to rush through anything - rushing is not the same as as fast as you can') and that whether it's an inch a month or an inch a year, it will always be fast enough for him.

So, logical TMC seems to have a louder voice than in the past, and I'm feeling ok. Not brilliant, not totally safe or secure or connected like I was a few weeks ago, but ok.