Anyone else get really ashamed when they act in a way that's not their best selves? I always do. Sometimes I may overreact or get angry or get sad and from the way people respond, I immediately feel really horrible, like my emotions are wrong (and they probably are). I even do it on here, which I hate, so I'm sorry if I've done that.

When I do that and see how people react, I feel weird, like I'm not in my body. Sort of like part of me is floating. Emotional abuse messed me up when it comes to how other people perceive me. Like, for example, if I'm wrong, I automatically feel so ashamed for being wrong and I close up. I do that because I was never right around my grandma when I was a child, and I had to defend myself constantly. So when I overreact and see how people respond, it reminds me of my grandma all over again. It's very hard to explain.

Idk. I just feel weird right now. I just realized that it will take me even longer to move out because the new job I got doesn't pay as much as I thought it would. My living situation isn't bad. I mean, I have food and a place to live, but I just don't want to live with my childhood abuser anymore, which would be my grandma. She is also homophobic so I can't be myself, you know? She knows I'm gay, too. And I won't get into the gender identity issues (she does not know about that). I am very self-conscious about the clothes I wear at home. My grandma was sexually abusive and I akways feel creeped out when I wear shorts and she stares. Things like that make me always feel on guard. My mom knows what she's done, but she's never done anything about it.

I was talking to my mom about how I'm worried that it'll take me a while to move out (even with me getting a roommate, which I'm terrified of but that's a story for another time). She doesn't understand that I don't want to live with my grandma anymore. Apparently, she's mad that I want to move out. She was surprisingly laughing at me a bit when I was telling her that I was upset that I wouldn't be able to move out as soon as I'd like. She doesn't understand why I don't want to live here anymore. I'm 26 years old and I want to be myself in a nice small safe apartment. =/ I just want a nice little studio apartment, a safe space. But I live in the most expensive city in the U.S and the apartments here are ridiculously expensive.

Please, please, please do not get me wrong. I am so grateful for this job. I REALLY do not want to come off as ungrateful. I just need a safe space. Nowhere feels safe.

I just feel like I have to hide so much of myself everywhere I go. It's not like I want to shout out, "Hey world, I'm gay and trans!" But having to stifle that everyday is very exhausting...Feeling on guard is very exhausting. At least if I had my own place, I could be myself there and make it as safe as possible.

I feel so ashamed when my emotions get the better of me. I feel even more ashamed when I cry. I feel like such an idiot when I overreact and people laugh at me. My mom thinks I'm being ungrateful, but I just want to be financially stable. I love my mom and she is truly a beautiful person, but she does not understand. I'm so glad I found a job. I just want a safe space.

I don't know what the point of this post is or where to even put it. But I guess I just feel ashamed for being upset and I was wondering how people deal with shame surrounding their emotions and how they express them? I completely shut down when I realize when I've been a fool. =/ I honestly feel like an idiot for posting this, but I just needed to get it out of my system.