I used to get these a lot, but I guess I haven't had them in a while. Was ticking along, doing pretty well. Then... On friday (the day I have to get up at 6am to go and see my t) I found myself awake at 4am. Kind of awake and then dozing and so on. Remembering... Thinking... Ruminating... On stuff. Tears streaming down my face. I feel... Almost compelled to do this. I know I could distract myself with some systematic desensitisation or possibly even return to sleep by way of focusing on how my breathing feels. But sometimes I feel kind of compelled to remember / ruminate.

It is like... I've had a lot of experiences of intense distress in my life. And sometimes my brain kind of needs / wants to do that...

I told my therapist about this. Near the end of the session. And I told him about one of the memories.

I was in hospital. One of the skills trainers (who I found hard to get on with) was there. They were going to discharge me that afternoon and I wasn't so happy about that. Didn't feel ready to go.

She was giving me a 'good talking to'. Saying 'the problem with you is that xxx' I can't remember what precisely she was saying. I remember I just wanted her to stop. I might have tried to say something... To get her to stop... Eventually...

Missed time.

Apparaently I flew at her. Punching and kicking her. Didn't really hurt her because I was so disorganized. We were right outside the nurses station (with glass windows) so they came out pretty quick and went to grab me off her. I collapsed into this little curled up ball on the floor. And screamed. I was mortified.

I remember it (episodically) now. But at the time... I just remember coming round in bed. Not sure if I got a shot of something for that... Not sure.

But that is one of those things. In the memory I'm embodied and I'm punching and kicking her fairly ineffectually. Just feel: PAIN. she was hurting me. Pain.

Then our time was up.

Haven't been feeling so good since.

One more session on Monday then we have a break for a month.
A break for Australia day, then I'm off to the US...

:-(