I suppose some of you are curious about the MC session Wed. that led to starting the termination process. Now that I processed it with T yesterday, I feel OK typing it out. So, here's how the conversation started:

I'd discussed possibility of starting termination with H beforehand and also told him what T had said about waiting if I wasn't ready. He was willing to go with whatever I wanted. Shortly before session, I got really emotional, thinking about how I just don't really trust MC anymore. Still, I was partly waiting to decide what to do until I saw how I felt when I saw him. When I did, I just felt…weird. Like disconnected.

For the first 15 minutes of the session, we kinda made small talk and caught him up on past couple weeks. H was doing most of the talking My eyes teared up a couple times in there. Finally, MC was like, “You look stressed. What’s going on?"

I forget what I said, something about trying to figure out what to do. H shared how T had asked if the ship had sailed on things working with MC on marriage counseling and how we’d (H and I) had discussed that.

MC asked what I thought about it. I said I wasn’t sure, how I thought the transference was interfering. MC said he thought had mostly just been the past 4-5 weeks. I wanted to be like, um, where have you been??? But I said it’s really been other times, too

But the stuff from the last 5 weeks…that I felt bad saying this…but I just didn’t really feel like I could trust him anymore.

He said something about black and white thinking, that it’s not trust or not. I said I knew that…but that I felt like trust was a really important thing with a therapist. And I just wasn’t feeling that with him right now.

He said how working through this conflict could be a good thing for me. Like to see he wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t say this, but it almost felt like he was trying to guilt me into staying. Like, “It would be helpful for you therapeutically to work through this.” He said how people in relationships have conflicts and work through them and it’s OK. I said I knew that, how I’d done that with H, how I’ve also worked through a few conflicts with him (MC) before. But this felt different. And I didn’t want us to spend all this time with him trying to regain my trust.

(more later in separate post on here)