I'm not sure what to answer when asked in assessment sessions, where abuse is in categories of verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual without going into details. I might have liked an option "It's complicated" somewhere in between.

When I was already used to being slapped in the face or hit on the buttocks by hand, the caning with coerced nudity took it to a whole new level. When it happened, I felt wrong and unwanted, somehow flawed. But I'm unsure why exactly it felt so emotionally different from regular beatings, which also satisfy the needs of the abuser. For sure my parents reacted in ways I could not understand. My body image issues started not long after the incident where my dad entered the bathroom without warning and started hitting me with that same cane when I was fully naked, forcing me to admit something I hadn't even done.

Healing from it is the most complicated bit. I engage in some abusive behaviour patterns myself, in line with borderline diagnostic criteria. I'm obsessing about doing out of character and socially unacceptable actions, a.k.a. harm OCD. I suffer from severely low self-esteem. It feels like a hell of a mess.