I apologise for the long message.
But last night was really bad.

It all started with my sister asking my partner and I (whom we been together for 8 years) and I what will we be doing for our year anniversary.
I recalled my boyfriend saying we can't do anything because he has no money.
I felt really upset and angry and so I ignored him.
My.boyfriend went for a shower. Mum asked me what was wrong? I told her what my.boyfriend said. My sister spoke and said how her and her boyfriend for there year aniversary went to movies. Then my sister said this which brought deep shame in me. "No,Millionaire will go with someone who lives at home and goes to therapy"
It wasnt so much No Millionaire will go with me but it was way she described me as living at home and go to therapy. I felt like a loser and thought that's all I am. I started to cry and got the butter knife from the draw and cut myself.

I then went to bedroom where my boyfriend was and he was upset.
He told me how he had to put his foot down and say no to our year anniversary and how he used an credit card to buy me stuff for Christmas which I never knew. I felt really guitly and bad when he told me this.
I got angry and told him how his business he been trying to do for a year won't work and how last year anniversary was lame.
He turn around and told me "F**k you" and pulled the finger at me.

Then my mum came in the bedroom shouting asking what is going on and how I'm unfair to my boyfriend and make everyone miserable. I try to tell her what my sister said that upsetted me and my sister yelled out "You dumbshit"
I crawled up in a ball on my bed and face my face in the pillows while blocking my ears as mum shouted.
I started to cry and called out to God to help me.
After a while I looked up and my.boyfriend was still there. He told me to sit with him but I was so upset by what my boyfriend and my mum said to me.
He forced me to sit with him and told me to breath but I couldn't. He said to me angrily how I have to sit with my feelings. I said how I should die and I put my left hand on my thoart to try to squeeze it and he grabbed my hands and told me to stop it.

Then my mum again, came in and told me I am mainpluativie and started pointing at me. I was crying and trying to say I'm not mainpluativie how I want to kill myself because emotions are too strong. But she kept talking over me repeating I'm mainpluativie. I was about to leap and go for my mum but my boyfriend held me down and put his hand over my mouth. While mum stand and pointed at me, saying I was mainpluativie and I'm angry.

Mum, sister told my boyfriend to leave me.
So my boyfriend got up and left the bedroom.
When my sister said to leave me in the room I felt she looked at me as if I'm some crazy mental health patient.
Mum told me to come in the living room and apologise.

I cried alone in my bedroom.
I thought I won't talk to mum,sister or boyfriend and live in my bedroom then no one can hurt me and I be ok.
I thought I should die and seriously thought to overdose in pandoal or my meds and just die.

I ended up turning off the light and lay in my bed and try to sleep. I keep wishing for my ex therpaist to be here or why am I so bad now.
Mum came in to see if I wanted my.boyfriend to stay or go home but I was too scared to speak. Eventually my boyfriend came in and told me how he did some reading up on borderline personatily disorder and how if there is slight change or say partner is at work longer it means they don't love them and have a strong reaction. My boyfriens asked me did you thought because I said no to.to.anniversary it means I don't love you. I said yes.

Today I feel really,really terrified of my boyfriend ,Mum and sister.
I keep having relapses of last night vidi
playing in my head.
I feel I have to hide myself from them so
they don't attack me.