Wow, this past year and a half alone has been just horrible and so deeply triggering on so many levels it's been overwhelming and often crippling leaving me in a lot of physical pain.

Lately I have been experiencing a lot of episodes where I struggle to talk and I have to say it's been scaring me. So much has been happening lately that is overwhelming me and I definitely feel very alone with it all. I ended up calling a member I have gotten to know here out of desperation, someone else that knows what it's like to struggle the way I do. She did not talk over me, she didn't criticize me, she did not hang up on me or invalidate me, she did not raise her voice at me and she did not condescend either and she let me feel and did not encourage me to feel shame for feeling. And because of that we ended up having a long talk, and the key word is "talk". When we interact here via posts and written words, the one thing we miss out on is the actual tone in the other person's voice. Truth is that if already triggered and experiencing too much exposure to individuals who react with invalidating tones in their voice, it can "feel" like someone is talking to you the same way when they are not. I am glad I chose to call this person when I was desperate because I literally had no one in my life that I could talk to that talked back to me with a "calm" respectful tone. We ended up having a long conversation and I did not have any problems with my ability to speak.

I had another experience where I needed to go to the corner store and over the past couple of years I have gotten to know this woman who owns this store with her husband. She is from India and I have gotten to learn about the kind of culture she comes from and how that has affected her and yet, she has been strong and fighting for her own personal freedom as a human being and I really respect that about her.

Well, when I went to the store I was really down and challenged and hurting and she was there alone and she asked me "how are you today" and next thing I knew I was standing there crying. She responded to me with so much comfort, respect and genuine kindness with absolutely no message in her response to me that gave me an impression that I was imposing on her in any way. Because of that once again I was able to "talk".

That is what I miss about the trauma therapist that helped me the most. No matter how bad off and distraught I was when I went to see him, even when I had to do our session over the phone because I was too bad to attempt to drive that drive just to see him, he ALWAYS helped me feel safe to where I could "talk" and "have feelings".

When you grow up in a home where a parent has a problem with alcohol or was in some way abused or neglected, often what happens is you end up witnessing someone being hurt and expected to conceal their hurt where the toxic individual ends up being the only one who's feelings "matter".

That is what I have too much of in the individuals around me in my life. I married a man that was a binge alcoholic and he did a lot of things that disrespected "me and my emotional health and well being". What I have noticed about him and his disease is how even though he has been sober for about 25 years, his life still revolves around that disease. He still has that Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde personality "disorder" about him and I tend to see that a lot when I am hurting badly and need him to listen and it ends up where HIS feelings about whatever it is needs to be the LOUDEST. Because of this I end up getting to a point around him where I struggle to "talk".

Ironically, my older sister tends to be the same way where HER feelings always have to take precedent and I can't even hear her voice without getting badly triggered. Every time she talks to me her tone REEKS of condescension or anger if I don't give HER feelings all the POWER. Both of them practice the SAME kind of denial too, they refuse to recognize the things they say and do that are HURTFUL. (ironically, they are both the oldest child)

One of the things I have noticed that isn't just in myself but something I have noticed others struggle with in this forum is how their personal ability to think and function has been deeply disrupted by others who often behave in dysfunctional ways. We are born to "navigate" but, we are all unique when it comes to how we navigate the best. Unfortunately, we set a bar when it comes to learning and developing our personal level of navigating and within this bar of judgement we fail to actually "help" our very young children to properly develop their personal way of navigating.

I had a really hard time when it came to developing my language/speaking as I have mentioned before in other posts my father NEVER just let me finish a sentence no matter how much I tried to say something correctly. I began to struggle putting my thoughts into speaking my thoughts and began slurring my words. I had to work so hard at this challenge for so many years. The other thing is that I was the youngest and that made me FEEL behind and constantly struggling to catch up, even physically.

When I found this site there was something it provided to me that I was not getting IRL. It gave me a way to have some privacy alone to hang onto my ability to gather words in my mind and talk them out. What others did not get to see is how long it was taking me to do just that too. Having another individual respond to me in a normal way was VERY important to me. Things were so bad IRL that when I came to this site I had to look at my statistics so I could remember what I had posted and also to see if I got responses.
The other thing it provided to me was a different place I could be where I at least had a chance to be who I was IRL before what I was was so badly destroyed. I helped others who struggled, especially children. Including my own child who had special needs that I worked my life around making sure I was there to help her.

Then I began having flashbacks and they frightened me. I began remembering and flashing back to things in my past that I had not thought about in many years. I was so crippled by them and I began to think I was being punished for "not telling" when I experienced these traumatic events and situations. I was right about that, that I needed to tell and how that can reduce the power of them when I experience them. BUT, what is important when it comes to "telling" is not to do this with the very same dysfunctional people that you could not talk to about it in the first place.

Within that group included the very professional people I reached out to for help. Sadly that is reflected in my records where it was recorded what I said and their responses that only assisted in my not being heard and only further criticized and labeled wrong which only added to my being further misunderstood and led to my only being further traumatized. So, instead of getting help to restore my identity despite all the overwhelming loss I suffered that traumatically affected who I was as a person, I faced further destruction and loss instead.

If I had not finally come across this site AND the therapist that helped me the most, who really understood TRAUMA therapy, I would have never regained myself. As much as I was struggling there was a part of me that felt really sorry for anyone else that experienced this challenge. Truth is, I have always been two people inside my brain, one that struggles and has been traumatized and the other that witnessed her older brother so badly abused and hurt that she grew to want to find a way to HELP this hurt child that she KNEW did not deserve to be so badly abused and hurt every single day for YEARS.

Recently I noticed a thread about the four F's and that most don't know about the fourth F. That was an important thread for me to read. A reaction to trauma can include "fawning". I did all the other reactions, fight, flight, and freeze, but I also FAWNED a lot. My entire childhood I witnessed my older brother being hurt and abused and I have a lot of flashbacks of how much he was hurting and all I wanted to do is find a way to "comfort" him.

When I was in therapy with this trauma specialist and also coming here and reading about all the different challenges different members had, I began to wonder if I might have two different identities that I just was not aware of. I always felt that others would not understand how part of me could be so strong and outgoing and yet another part of me was suffering and struggling. There therapist I was seeing talked about doing EMDR therapy with me. He told me he had a patient he did that with and what he and the patient discovered was that she had more than one personality. So when I heard that I chose not to do that therapy because I was struggling so much with these flashbacks already that I did not want to think about having some other problem. When I have these flashbacks I am in every way the age I experienced whatever flashback I am having. Yet, I don't have different names or inner conversations like I have noticed others describe having. Instead, I am always me, but just different ages. I do have a lot of trauma in my history especially now that I have learned that one can be very traumatized when witnessing someone else constantly being traumatized.

The one area I get triggered the most in is when I see someone being targeted and hurt and abused and disrespected and that includes witnessing that happen with animals too because I also witnessed animals being abused yet that was when there were no laws in place that protected animals. Actually, a lot of the things I witnessed would not be allowed today especially what I witnessed happen to my older brother. It's been hard waiting all these years to finally see something recognized that I knew was wrong at such an early age and yet had to continue to witness happen my entire childhood.

When I joined this site I came across an individual who struggled to "talk" and this individual considered "self' to be a social retard. When I got to slowly hear about this individual's history I began to recognize what kind of environment led to this individual having this challenge. It was someone who spent a lot of time with "words" too. It is like witnessing a person trying so hard to reach out for something they want while doing that yet not being able to grasp it. I know how that feels and I sure had to work very HARD at grabbing onto it myself. This individual tended to use words I rarely use and I actually liked looking these words up and thinking about them because most of my life revolved around children and communicating with these children on a level that was easier for them to understand. Especially when the child struggles with words like my own child often did. I was very conscious about my own history and wanted to make sure I did not do what was done to me and what I witnessed my older brother experience. What I wanted to do for this individual is to help this individual feel "safe" to experiment without facing some kind of criticism. I always knew when this individual was trying and I wanted to see this individual continue to make gains. Unfortunately, I ended up seeing this individual pursued and provoked and I saw the reaction that resulted in watching this individual lose ground and I have to say it triggered me.

What is so upsetting and sad for me is being able to see something that can be helped and yet NO ONE else sees it and how that results in only making it worse. I am so grateful that there have been others that noticed and did make it a point to study and understand it. That what I saw so many years ago was finally noticed and children like my older brother were better understood and helped rather than be subjected to constant abuse and neglect.

By now I am sure anyone patient enough to read through this thread is wondering what this has to do with "How Xmas shopping got too hard". Well, because this year so much has changed in my life that going out Xmas Shopping was trying to do something I don't know how to do anymore. I still have last years Christmas present that I got for my father in the back of my car. The last time I saw my father and wanted to finally give it to him I was visiting my mother in the rehabilitation facility and I went to visit my mother alone and when I walked in she was in a wheel chair holding the telephone and she looked up at me and she was so happy to see me. She had been trying to call me and could not figure it out and she was scared and lost and wanted me to help her.

I did not cry or lose it, I went right into "Fawn" and comforted her to help her find her way to understanding where she was and that she was safe and that I was there for her. She had pooped herself and I watched her get helped by two women that put her on the bed and cleaned her up. Knowing how my mother likes to listen to people I asked the women questions about themselves and they talked about themselves and she listened and then when she was all cleaned up they put her in a fresh night gown and got her comfortable in her bed so I could go over and give her a kiss and tell her how much I loved her. She told me how much she misses me and the next thing I know my sister appeared in the doorway with my father in a wheelchair and he looked so frail. I got to kiss my father and give him a hug and I remembered his gift. My sister left the room to go out to her car and I wish I had just stayed where I could be alone with him and my mother. But I didn't and just thought about the gift I had in that car for so long. By the time I got to the doorway to exit the building I had the worst attack EVER and I really thought I was having a massive heart attack because the pain was so horrible it was all I could do to not fall to my knees. I kept hearing my sister saying "we don't want YOUR drama" and all I thought about was getting to my car so if I was dying I would not be a bother. How horrible is that?

I sat in my car shaking and every part of my body hurt. It wasn't just the old studder where it's just my inability to talk, it was my entire body experiencing it. I sat in that car and no matter how much I wanted to go back and see my parents, there was no way I could. It was such a horrible feeling and I was so alone with it too. It was not seeing my parents that created this attack either, it was seeing my sister. I don't "give" her this power either, IT'S JUST THERE. It's the same challenge that little child in me had where she was trying to talk and every effort she made was picked apart disabling her.

My sister's behaviors towards me these past few years has deeply hurt and traumatized me. I have also witnessed her get very mean and bossy with both my parents and I have watched both my parents frightened by her to a point where they were both behaving like she was rushing them and they were showing me how it was stressing them.

Since reconnecting with my older brother the elephant in the room has really been standing out. This elephant is very angry and because I can't see my parents without her HUGE presence looming over them along with just how badly I suffered that day when my entire body was filled with pain, I don't know if I will ever be able to see my parents again. When I went Xmas shopping I saw things I know my parents would like and I found myself standing with these things holding them flooded. My husband was with me and he ended up seeing someone we both knew and stood talking and talking and talking and I was in no condition to socialize. I ended up staying at a distance and yet I wanted to leave that store and find my way past the flooded way I was feeling. I did get angry and the next thing I knew my husband was yelling at me and he said some awful things that just added to my pain.

I really did not want to do Christmas AT ALL. And I did not want to get yelled at and I did not ruin anyone else's Christmas and all that I ended up experiencing was how much my husband needed HIS EMOTIONS to rule over anything I had been struggling with. I felt like I was drowning in an ocean and trying to reach out for some kind of life preserver and everyone around me kept yelling at me and grabbing any life preserver I managed to find away from me. Every effort I tried to make to articulate what I was experiencing was met with anger and a loud voice drowning me out. And I began struggling with the studdering like I did when I was little.

I kept trying very hard to get through this holiday and I tried to find ways to reduce my exposure to things that I know trigger me. One of those things included trying to at least talk to my parents to wish them a Merry Christmas and tell them I love them without having to experience my sister. So, I asked my husband to call and ask for my parents and he did not want to do that but gave in and the Elephant did not want to give up her control either and made it a point to be nice but make sure to announce that while my husband was on the phone it was actually ME calling. And she told my husband that my mother could not talk because she was in the shower, and then when I did get to talk to my father he told me THE TRUTH and I had to hear her yell at him and he got quiet. My father doesn't lie and it was hard to hear him get quiet and have to say to him, "Dad, it's alright, you can tell me the truth" and I hear him be quiet again and I could tell he was "afraid" and that was SO UPSETTING. So, again I had to say to him, "Dad it's ok, I just want to with you a Merry Christmas and let you know I love you and that if you can please let mother know I love her too where ever she is".

New Year's day was the beginning of a new year and yet again I am facing a new year with a call from my sister STILL not letting me know where my mother is. She will ONLY tell me if I go see her so she can instruct me on the changes she is making. My sister insists she is not being MEAN to me even though she has been MEAN to me. Even though when I tried to call and just wish my father a happy birthday a few weeks earlier she yelled F you twice at me and hung up on me. That she refuses to tell me where my mother is unless I go to her and ALLOW HER TO exert her power and control over me?
Someone suggested I ask to meet in a public place so she will behave, that doesn't stop her, she has already raged at me in public.

I expressed my concern to my husband about exposing myself to her and how bad that can be for me. The answer I face is how HIS FEELINGS about it MUST be louder than mine. The next thing I know, I spiral down into my studdering where I can't form words.

I finally saw IT. When I say IT, what I mean by that is how all of these flashbacks do mean something and I sure have repeated them and others have most definitely told me, OE, you are repeating again. Trauma, and abusive/dysfunctional people cause a disruption in how an individual thinks and functions as a human being. I have read a lot of threads in this forum from different people who struggle like I do, but the one thing we have in common, at least that I have noticed is how the trauma suffered caused damage to that effort to have one's own pattern in their mind where they learn to function, just as when I face not being heard or not being exposed to an individual that can actually LISTEN and allow me to FEEL MY FEELINGS SAFELY, I begin to studder.

The past week alone I have been paying attention to conversations I have with people around me in my life DIFFERENTLY. What really helped me was the conversation I had when I called the member I got to know here out of desperation and how this member handled this conversation with me THAT WAS DIFFERENT where I began to talk normal again.

What saddens me deeply is how when I am with my mother I get to see her in a different light and I can ONLY get to know where she really is ONLY if I get to see her alone. What has been so deeply upsetting to me NOW is knowing she is alone some place and that I am not allowed to know where she is and I keep seeing her the way I saw her that last time, so happy to see me and how she relaxed and felt safe. The elephant that gets in the way is the problem and this elephant is blind. This elephant confidently told me that she doesn't HAVE TO tell me where my mommy is.

This is something I never imagined EVER experiencing. Xmas was very very sad this year and so is this new year from what little I have experienced of it.

Sorry for this very long post, thanks for taking the time to read it. Perhaps there is something in this long post that a reader may find helpful for themselves.