When I was at my most vulnerable around this and my T knew, I kept imaging some type of accidental thing happening and her thinking I did it on purpose. I think it doesn't help that I promised to call on call before I acted. It was a persistent thought... how would I tell her it was an accident, all the while still wishing to be dead.

We talk about it much less now. She reads my journal so she has more of a peek into what is going on for me than just what we talk about in sessions. There are times where she'll ask me if I'm safe. A few times I was taken back only to realize the next day or so how vulnerable I was and how those thoughts just seemed to come back.