Continuing MC session (part 2 of 2):

At one point, MC made a comment about how “Therapy shouldn’t foster dependency.” And I wanted to be like, “Um…too late!"

I asked him what it actually meant to resolve transference. How T had said to ask him, because MC is psychodynamically trained, while he isn’t. And MC said that really, it’s sort of like anxiety. You can treat it and help with it, but it won’t totally go away. It’s just kind of learning to live with and work with it. So…I think basically he was saying the transference would always be there???

Throughout the session, I kept feeling like I just had to go for it, to do it then. Like before I changed my mind. I also wasn't looking at MC much during session, because I know how good he is at using eye contact and body language and stuff to sort of suck me in. And I didn't want that to happen...

I told MC how I had to feel like I was in a good individual therapy relationship before I would feel OK terminating. I said it wasn’t like ex-T wasn’t supportive, but with T just seems different. MC said he was glad I had that support.

I mentioned the thing I’d told T the day before, how if we terminated, I felt there would be one less person who cared about me. But MC said he wasn’t going to stop caring. (I knew he'd say that, just had to hear it, I guess. It made me waver for a second though...)

I did say to him how I was thinking he probably was thinking how nice it was to not have had me e-mail or text the past few weeks…and that he wished he’d told me that sooner. He said he wasn’t thinking either of those things.

I said I had told T I'd been worried to terminate with MC because I was used to having both MC and someone else (ex-T, then current T), and now it would just be current T. He said I was worried about putting all of my therapy eggs into one basket. I said yes...but the more I thought about it, I don't just have one basket. There's also H and my friends. MC said that yes, H is the strongest basket--what's stronger than wicker? Ah, Longaberger baskets. Then he shared some anecdote about...maybe they were there in his house growing up? And he learned not to make fun of them by calling them Limburger baskets to someone who cared about them. How that was an important lesson.

He must have said like 5 times at the end of this session that when we terminate, I was probably going to think to myself that he was trying to push us away. But that would be my perception. He’s not pushing me away or rejecting me. I was finally like, “Yes, I get it! You’re not pushing me away!"

We were already about 10 minutes over time. I said, "So where do we go from here?" MC said, "Would you want to schedule a session in a month? That would give you time to see how things go between you, how you feel about things." Of course, a month from session, he's going to be at a conference, so we're seeing him Feb. 5. He said at any time, we could call and see him sooner if we wanted to.

He'd also said earlier how even if we terminate, his door would always be open if we wanted to come back, just for one session or more regularly.

We headed out, usual handshake and "Good to see you," which seemed odd considering we'd just said we wanted to terminate with him, but OK. He walked behind us to waiting room, then said "Take care." I turned back to look at him and said "You too." Got into the car, crying, and immediately texted T to see if he had any openings for the next day--which he did, so scheduled for that.

Cried a bit on the way home, then a few times after getting home, then...was mostly fine. Thought I'd have trouble sleeping that night, but no, I slept over 8 hours (unusual for me). Felt mostly fine next morning, too...will try to write up T session later (mostly just processing termination stuff with MC...)