i dont know why but my T is pushing this issue so hard. she is even getting angry at me ans scolding me about this . im not just imagining this because i even checked it out with her and she did say she was angry and was also scolding me . she said that i was acting out around the whole paying her thing and forgetting my check and paying her cash or bringing the check later etc .i think i have done it 4 times . the first time i stopped at the atm and got cash .she was a bit uncomfortable taking cash because she had no receipt.i didnt care . the second time i left the check in the car and ran out of the waiting room to go get it .i was late and she called my cell and i told her what i was doing and when i got to the office i tried to hand it to her saying "take this so i dont forget " she spent the whole session scolding me for that and for wasting session time getting my check and how she has a procedure of getting paid at the end of session etc... then the 3rd time i was angry at the session and it was a hard session and i just forgot to give her her check because i wanted to run out of there .she texted me saying i had not paid her and i made arrangement to leave the check in the mail box bye the door,and later was told it was wrong of me and i was acting out even though i was following directions . and then again i stinking forgot and then stopped at the atm to get cash . anyway she has decided i am acting out something and wants me to deal with it . although i have had other things i had wanted to deal with she has scolded me about them and even said that she felt the pain i was feeling about it was my fault and said some quite hurtful things and then brought our session back to the payment thing and how she feels i am acting out and that we needed to deal with it in therapy .

she seems to think i am testing her to see if she will abandon me if i forget to pay her . and i feel like even if this is true i am not one who wants to spend time dealing with the therapy relationship. if i am worried she is going to abandon me that is my worry and has nothing to do with therapy . i am more then willing to deal with my fear of abandonment in general but not in reference to the therapeutic relationship. i dont want her to worry about me getting to overbearing to her .and i dont want the relationship to be strained . i see how things get between clients and therapists as soon as the therapist feels that the client is attached or depends on them . i dont want that to happen to me so i have never brought up the therapeutic relationship with her . any feelings i may have about it will eventually work them self out as long as i dont have a T or anyone focusing on them and blowing them way out of proportion . she seems to think i need to talk about it and work it out .

she said that she would expect someone who has had such a traumatic history as i have,and had been hurt as deeply as i have ,would have a huge fear of abandonment . and that although it may not be conscious i have a fear that she will abandon me and that we need to deal with that . she thinks this is why i am acting out .i dont see me as acting out at all . she has been bringing this up for the last 3 sessions before the holiday break. it is hard for me and i am resisting dealing with this at all . i dont want her thinking this way at all. it is dangerous. i dont want her thinking i depend on her .i try very hard not to . even though i would want to i know it is dangerous. she had also made it very clear that i can not depend on her except for the 50 min therapy session . im ok with that .and when i am not the feeling does pass if it is not blown out of proportion.or i just sit it out and not act on it . i survive and know i will. as hard as it is nothing cant wait until the next session . i may feel horrible i may cry and want to call her but in the end i live through it .anyway

she also is insisting that i am seeing her as the mother and that angers her . as she has said she is not the mother and doesnt want to seen as her . she said she is not a horrible person who wants to hurt me like the mother does .and of course she gets angry at being seen as such a person . but i cant help it when she is acting just like her and she just doesnt seem to hear me when i say this to her . she just says she is not the mother and gets angry that i am seeing her as this . but she is saying the exact things that the mother would say . when this happens i am right back in those times with the mother . last session i was sobbing because she insisted i was acting out and she was scolding me she was saying things like "now you are going to act like the pathetic crying little girl and i am the bad mommy " umm yes you are acting the bad mommy so i see you that way . or if i feel she is hating me or angry or anything and i ask her about it she will say something like "hear we go again you are making me the bad person ,poor you everyone hates you ". yes you again are acting the bad mommy . or when she says to talk to her and i try and she stops me in mid sentence to tell me how wrong i am or to scold me for what i am saying without even letting me finish . it is a set up just like the mother would do .ask me a question and hen slap me any time i tried to answer because it was not what she wanted but i didnt have any idea what she wanted from me .all this sends me back to sitting in that diding room chair for hours as the mother tortured me by setting me up and saying these things. i even brought it up to her once how i feel and later she threw it back at me in a sarcastic way saying something to the affect "i supose now im the bad mommy and you are the sad pathetic girl sitting in the chair with me saying horrible things " i dont understand these things or why she says them they hurt and trigger me .i dont want to talk to her about them . i dont know what i want from posting this .i know i dont want a bunch of therapist trashing . i know my T has a reason for doing thins. i dont know if this is her way of getting me to get angry and deal with the things i need to deal with .or to talk or to point out how it is ok to be angry with her ,or to depend on her ,to see that she isnt going to abandon me and to get me to talk about it .i just dont know .i guess i just need to get a lot of this off my chest