Hi, I'm 18 male 6"1 135lbs (been to therapists when I was indenial and they say I'm not depressed[probably because I was indenial])
I wanted to kno if anyone had some experience with this and if they got better or are working on it.

I been indenial about being depressed for about 3 years, I got into drugs at the start of high school and became another statistic and just recently realized I've been depressed and self medicating.

But the problem is, I'm being honest, I'm not a nice person and honestly have caused so much pain to others. I still live with my parents and don't work or leave the house (no motivation at all, I just want to get high or die) unless it's for drugs. I'm fully capable to do anything that I want to do to make my life better, but I simply choose not to. My family is amazing and want to help me but I just don't accept their help. I LITERALLY have everything that a normal kid has, and I heavily feel that I don't deserve to be depressed. But I really am, I literally wake up, sit in my chair and get messed up in front of the tv till night wen I go to sleep(I've been doing this daily for like 3 years after I dropped out of higschool//side note, I actually have spine and neck problems just from sitting in a chair so long)I eat maybe one meal a day if I even eat . Other then that I'm just waiting for a disaster to happen to me so I could die already. I will not take my life, I don't want to just end what god has given me. But I also don't want to go on, when I think of what's out in the world it just doesn't interest me at all.
I guess I'm asking you guys if you've ever heard of this or even have had it, and how you got out of it. If you took the time to read all this, thank you so much, and if u have any wisdom, any at all please share, I never told anyone any of this and really wanna hear a perspective from someone looking in. Thank you I'm sorry if this is all over the place I'm new and wanted to make sure I put important details.

Edit: I've heavily slowed down on drugs and almost have getting messed up kicked(probably why I'm looking for help)