Thank you both. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who only ends up feeling stuff hours, sometimes days later. And even then, I can't identify the emotion half the time. I generally only feel something when he repeats what I'm saying back to me. Then I think, "Oh! That's really sad!" I don't know what to make of it.

SalingerEsme, I completely understand about needing to be made whole by the end of session. I have a job that requires a ridiculous amount of precision -- I can't afford being left unable to function. And I'm overcoming a driving phobia too -- driving to his house when I'm in a good frame of mind is tricky enough.

Cinnamon, it's very helpful to hear your experience around emails -- I'm very similar. I often feel nothing in session, so the ability to write when I DO feel something is enormously helpful. I didn't even want him to reply or read them outside of session, which is why I don't understand why he won't accept them. It's genuinely been helpful to me, and I don't think five minutes of admin every other week is unreasonable. That's most jobs. If my clients at work only wanted five minutes of my time every other week I'd be over the moon.

I suppose it comes down to a feeling that, as usual, nearly everyone else around me gets to decide how they want to arrange their life, decide how our relationship will go, and I just have to accept it. "Knock on the door on the hour". "I don't do hugs". "I don't offer texts". "I won't tell you anything about me". "You're completely distraught -- see you next week." He is a psychotherapist, by the way, total blank slate. I managed to find a few things online about him that he doesn't know I know; it's stopped me from going nuts wondering who he is.

I don't see the point bringing up these things yet again in session. He won't budge.

Esme, it's interesting that you see the therapy relationship as a practice relationship for real world relationship. I don't see it that way. For me it's a singular kind of relationship, but it's not a fake one. I've sort of come to the point where I think it's fighting against human nature to say the therapist-client relationship is purely professional. I think it falls somewhere in-between professional and personal. As such, I think it's a relationship that isn't going to be totally clear cut, and where people will need to bend to some degree. That's where I am now -- if my therapist can't bend whatsoever, even on simple things that I tell him are helpful to me, how could he possibly care about me, or even understand how to help me? Like, why am I paying this guy?

I'm considering changing therapists/quitting too. I sent an email to another therapist saying I was looking for someone open to the occasional email and the occasional hug, but I haven't heard back from them. Maybe I'll try someone else.

I have affection for my therapist, and I would miss him, but I know that would pass in time. It's frustrating, because he's so bloody insightful -- but if I don't feel like I can trust him anymore none of that really matters.

Thank you for your posts. It's really nice to know there are other people out there who are struggling with the same things.