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Originally Posted by ruh roh
granite, this is such painful stuff. You have written many times about not wanting to make any of your therapy about the relationship and have it end badly like some of the reports here on pc. The thing is, everyone's experience is different and not all therapy relationships end badly if the client expresses feelings about the therapist that feel vulnerable to have. Those feelings likely exist anyway, so the more you say no, the more they take the whole dynamic on a downward spiral. Pushing away and denying feelings can have the opposite effect you want--protection from harm.
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I talk with my T fairly extensively about my feelings towards her to the point that telling her "I love you" is part of a closing for me. It did take me a long time to get to the point where a large portion of my therapy is about my relationship with my T. Yes, I bring up various other things that are going on in my life and we talk about a wide range of things. In terms of our relationship, being able to say .. right now I feel like this part of me and why - what did she say or do that brought that feeling in. I do allow myself many actions that is inline with that part.
Another way this will play out for me is.... She is going on a vacation/conference soon and I admitted that I am probably going to have to beg her to not go. That I need to allow that part of me to voice its desires/wants because when I was young I was not allowed to, was unable to, or was not heard. Based on family stories, that plead was not responded to in a way that reassured me that I'd be ok while mommy was gone. With her last vacation, I realized I needed to give this voice a chance to be heard but could only type it. This time, I think I need to verbalize it, and let it exist with the emotional level where that happened for me.
It does sound like you need to find a way to have that "stepped" back conversation of... ok let's talk about my therapy without it being part of the therapy. These are useful if you can manage them. I use a lot of experiential activities as part of my therapy. With my therapy, and I've heard others talk about it, there is a need to have those conversations where step out of the therapy to talk about the therapy as its own entity.
When you talk about your T wanting to talk about your relationship is it that she wants you to disclose that you are attached to her or that she wants to be able to talk about therapy as a separate thing?? what does that mean to her?
Another thing that came to mind is .. is there something you could physically do to help remind your physical body that you are not with the mother during these occurrences? I have found having fidget items with me, can help me keep a part of my brain active on another action, allowing myself to better regulate my physical responses to emotional things. I typically do not need a fidget item in my daily life; however, when dealing with stressful things - yes I do. I also have a blanket (a baby blanket/quilt) that I will drape over my lap and pet if I need soothing. I am very tactile when it comes to these types of needs. I can also trace lines or patterns as a way to center myself.
Another technique along these lines are throwing a ball back and forth or passing a ball from one hand to the other resulting in right-left brain activation.
Just some thoughts.