You are NOT pathetic. Not.
Granite, I think your T doesn't understand that you aren't deliberately seeing her as the bad mother. You're being triggered by her, whether or not she intends to trigger you or not. That is NOT your fault, simply that something she's doing or not doing, or something about her words or voice tone or whatever is triggering.
I want to address this:
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she said she is not a horrible person who wants to hurt me like the mother does .and of course she gets angry at being seen as such a person . but i cant help it when she is acting just like her and she just doesnt seem to hear me when i say this to her . she just says she is not the mother and gets angry that i am seeing her as this . but she is saying the exact things that the mother would say .
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I think your T feels angry because she really doesn't understand. She sees herself as a good person, not the mother, but doesn't understand that she is triggering you.
I would think my T is like my parents too, and T would feel wronged and angry and say "I am not your parents".
It is especially volatile, in my opinion, if you've has abusers who were abusing you WHILE telling you that they're not hurting you. Eg my mother would beat me and say that I'm not hurt but she was being hurt by beating me.
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it is a set up just like the mother would do .ask me a question and hen slap me any time i tried to answer because it was not what she wanted but i didnt have any idea what she wanted from me
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I'm sorry the mother did this regularly to you. Mine did similar.