How were you denied treatment? Have you tried to get in to treatment again? Have you looked in to drug treatment? It sounds like you could use some help.

I know what you mean about feeling like you don't deserve it. It's strange to look at your life and know you have a pretty good one, but it's overshadowed by sadness. That is what depression is, though. It's not a state of mind. You have good things in your life and you still get a cold, the flu, or people with perfectly fine lives have autoimmune diseases or diabetes. It's there, and you need to treat it.

The only thing I can offer for self care is to get outside. Exercise. Get those good endorphins. I know you don't feel motivated, but that sunshine and movement really does help. At least for me. And definitely, get help. Don't give up!