Hello Diamdog: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. By the way... I'm now pushing 70 years old. But I can relate to quite a bit of what you wrote. (I'll spare you the gory details.)

From what you wrote it sounds as though you're struggling with some serious depression, probably made worse by the use of illicit drugs. There aren't any simple answers to this. Somehow you're going to have to find the strength to reach out, in real life, for the help you need. You have to find a therapist you feel comfortable with, & with whom you can be forthright. You may need to find a psychiatrist & see if some antidepressants will be of help.

It would be great if there were some secret remedy for what you're going through. But there's not. It's just a lot of determination & hard work. And it comes at a time, & in a situation, when you feel utterly incapable of doing anything. That is one of the worst aspects of depression. Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives that may be of some interest:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/person...of-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-stra...ure-depressed/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/tips-f...ure-depressed/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/depress...en-or-the-egg/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!