Thursday 1/4 session. For those that have not read my notes before or not in a while. I write directly to my T and give these notes to her; therefore the you in here is her.

Oh and another general question - would it be easier for people if I was to break these into parts?

Before I left for session, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to wear, I didn’t want to wear sweat pants. I picked out clothing and tried to find a pair of shoes I wanted. I couldn’t find them so I settled on a similar pair. The clothing and shoes seemed important. I felt like I was a little boy being dressed by his mommy (not you). Which a part of me was confused about because sweat pants would have been just as appropriate for a little boy. Still... maybe I felt like I was being dressed as a little man; a blue-collar working man. I came up through the blue-collar world. There are times I miss that world.

I was later than I wanted to be leaving for session so I ended up driving in. On my drive, I thought about telling you I love you and telling you that I know that you know that I love you. I also thought about saying the based on my definition of love, you love me. I thought about the statement that I believe you love me. And how those 2 statements are different. I also thought about the topics for today: the stage, the vacation, the what happens if something bad happens to you, the concept of counter transference. I was pretty nervous about all of it.

I made good timing driving and arrived with 25 mins to spare. I had my tablet with me so after I took off my coat, I pulled it out and entertained myself with it. At about 12 til the hour someone came in, down the stairs and around the corner. At first, I thought it might be you. Then someone else came in and pushed a button then came and sat down. He said hi as he came into the waiting room. This was the first time I’ve been in the waiting room with someone else. I’ve had people in the waiting room when I’ve left session but not while I was waiting. I have also heard people coming and going while in session. It was strange to have someone there. I worried for a moment that you might have overbooked the hour. Then someone came out and he got up and said a welcoming statement to whomever. That person said something back, I could not hear them, did sound female. It wasn’t you. I waited. Eventually, you came out to get me. I was doing something, not sure what and was startled a little by your hi. You were in glasses and a green/white ¾ sleeve button up shirt, with jeans. I have been used to seeing you in a sweater or something warmer.

I said hi and got up, gathered my stuff (I had put my tablet back in my bag when the other client left the waiting room in anticipation of you). You turned off the button and led us back. I put my coat on the side of the couch and my bag on the floor on the south side of me. I sat on the floor. You sat in your chair. You didn’t ask where I wanted you, why? Is it because last time I was undecided, is it because sitting on the floor is getting too hard for you, is it because of the feelings I get when you sit on the floor? I guess I should have asked. I said that I liked sitting on the floor now that I can again. I realized while typing this up that on the floor, I can compress even more into myself than when I am sitting on the couch, or so it seems. I don’t have image in my head of the smallest I physically got while sitting on the couch/chair.

I had fantasized so many things for this session – going right to that tantrum I talked about to telling you that I love you when I first sat down. I started out saying that it was a long couple of days. I told you that last session notes were not completed and there wasn’t even an outline for the parts that I didn’t get to. As always, you tell me that this is ok. I said that it wasn’t hard like crisis, just long because of the stuff with a friend and my feelings towards you. I told you that it was hard for me to concentrate yesterday. You asked me what I did with the feelings – did I try to push them aside, did I observe them…. I said that they just were felt, that I lived them. Then I said that there was one thought that I tried to push aside, then I laughed and said well 2. You encouraged me to go on, to tell you about the laughter. I laughed and said that well the one I laughed at was emailing you. I said that I wasn’t in crisis, that I didn’t need to email you. The feelings for you would just get so intense. I said that it is hard to have that intensity and it is good to feel it back/have it back.

The other one was wanting to ask another friend a question I was not sure about asking. I told you I didn’t want to ask and I wanted to ask. You asked me about the not wanting to ask. I said that I didn’t want to put the friend in weird/tough spot. I said that I also didn’t want to hear any answer that wasn’t what was desired. I didn’t think there was a win in asking the question. However, it would not go away. Today, when talking with the friend about couple’s counseling, I said that I didn’t have a lot of emotional space for it to be intense or too much support needed from me. The friend offered support around my emotional state. I acknowledged that one thing that had been hard was to not ask her a question. I asked my friend if she could pretend to be a therapist for a bit - hear the question without taking it on, without answering it, without feeling like she had to do something with it? She said yes. So I asked her my question. She did a great job of being a T and asked me questions about my question to explore my feelings around the questions.

I made the comment about part of this (therapy) is learning how to sit with the feelings and emotions. You agreed with this statement. You said that it is about finding where the balance is and in the baby steps, like I wrote about, to get there. I said that I remembered writing that phrase but not about what. You talked about it in baseball terms, starting out in Tee-ball and moving up eventually to major leagues and able to hit the curve ball. I get what you were saying, I don’t think it worked for me though as an analogy. I do need to go back and look at the part in the journal – the baby steps part.

I brought up the concept of the OKness formula (this is a concept of trying to come up with a mathematical representation of a person’s ok status at a given moment, something fun for me to think about). I started out by saying how everyone uses the word for ok meaning, I’m ok, I’m dragging my feet, the worlds going to end someday to alright, I’m ok, this that and another thing of excitement. I explained how even you learnt the nuances in my ok’s. You didn’t say anything here though I felt like you were agreeing with me or encouraging me to continue. You changed the way you were sitting in the chair, to a more laid back/sitting back position. There was more to the change in how you were sitting, wasn’t about being relaxed. It seemed almost like… hmmm no words for it. Just different. Like we were engaging on a different level, a different way. Maybe it was because in this discussion I didn’t feel you as my therapist but as an equal that I was sharing a mathematical idea about. You did change positions, so maybe you also had a shift in how this part of the session was for you.

I pulled out my journal and started reading about the concept of okness being a periodic function, with the J factor (jump factor – the movement of ones okness based on an external event), N factor (neurochemical factor of how one moves from one state of okness to another), and P factor (perception factor – how one moves through the world in terms of optimism/pessimism) matrices. We talked about this for a bit and I read to you my description of it. You listened closely to what I was talking about and really wanted to understand what I shared. You asked questions about it and we debated the concept of the 10 point range. You insisted on the concept of amplitude. I said it is like the pain scale, we have to have some way of measuring. You insisted that people come in and say that their pain is a 14. I said tough. The scale is 0-10. We discussed them some more and I asked you if you’d seen the joke revised pain scale out there where like 1 is do I have pain… and 5 is my pain Is super legit… 7 is my pain is not ****ing around. You said no and we laughed (https://i.pinimg.com/originals/94/36...39383cca9c.jpg

I said that we could make the scale 0-100 and there would always be someone that said it was more or less. You conceded this point. I did agree with you that some people might bounce about in a narrower range but that would be that person’s boundary and would need to be addressed when normalizing for comparison because again, one person’s 2 might be another person’s 5. However, within an individual, their scale would have meaning to them.

You also questioned what not ok would be like in this equation. I said that it is still a measure of okness. I said that the scale is more like -5 to 5 with 0 being just floating at a nice even contentment. We talked more about it being fun for me to talk about Math like this. I said something that if I figured out a real formula that you’d have to publish it. You said I could do it. I said I had no Dr to my name, no PhD or medical doctor. You said, so it was me that would have figured it out. I said something about really enjoying thinking like this. Something else was said about mathematically describing an abstract concept of okness. I said yet everyone understands the concept of okness. Towards the end of the conversation, I think when I told you about why I stopped working the thought, the need to look for a more generic equation and if Pi always was a part of periodic functions, you brought up the memory of the unit circle. We laughed at this.

Something we didn’t talk about is how in essences deep psychotherapy is all about changing the various matrices of an individual’s okness function to provide a better or more desired quality of life.

I was looking at the journal and saw the part about the robot. I started talking about it, and then asked if you remember me writing about the robot in the journal. You said It was not in this last journal set. I reminded you about me being able to by 2 for the price of one. I think I got distracted by something else before coming back to this. I think I went on to talk about my writings of late around increasing my sessions to 3. You reiterate that we can talk about this. I said that yesterday morning I was ready to ask you for it and that by night I thought it might be a harmful. You asked how so, I said that I felt like if I did that then I would find that it wasn’t enough also. You said how some therapies are 4 or even 5 days a week. Yeah. I know this. I said that when I thought about coming and seeing you 4-5 times a week how I thought after a few weeks I wouldn’t have anything to say. You said something about us talking about it, that it is something to be curious about, that we could talk about it as much as I wanted and such. You seemed ok either way – in terms of me increasing or not increasing. One thought that kind of flashed during session and then again after session around the concept that attending that often would really allow the parts to have a heyday of acting out. I could really let them go. During this part, I commented about how when I shared my thoughts about this with a friend, she said that it was just a thought, that I’ve been talking about it for a while now so it must be more than a thought. No decisions were made and I did not directly ask for more sessions. (I am finishing up typing up the session notes on Friday morning and now I’m back to wanting to ask for that 3rd session. )

Again, I’m not sure of the order here; I just know we talked about this next topic.
I think we then returned to the older boy story and I read to you the journal entry about the stage (a fantasy of the older boy opening up to T and sharing his world until he got scared and shut her out again). As I finished it, you made some comment about strong imagery and asked me what I made of it. I don’t remember how I responded or what you had to say around it. There were times where I was moving my legs in nervous energy. I am not sure if this was one of those times. I don’t remember talking about this.

Something was said in here about me experiencing different things through this therapy, the experiential element of it all. This made me think about calling you mommy. I looked through my journal for a segment and yes it was there. I read to you the part about thinking I needed to actually throw that tantrum about you going on vacation/conferences. We talked about the need to let it be felt, let it be heard, and letting it be said. You seemed to understand why this might need to happen. To some degree it’s not to try to guilt you into doing something else – because I so don’t want that. It is to allow that part to have a voice, it is to put myself back there feeling those feelings, and it is for you to sit with me and witness my pain and hurt as I work through the emotions of an infant/toddler and receive the reassurance – learn how to reassure myself when I have these types of emotions.

I was nervous talking about and reading this next part. I brought up that on Monday I… I didn’t know how to say it, I stammered it out that I found this article about how you (and I waved my hand in front of you) could go about addressing if something bad happened to you. You asked me if I meant you/your practice and I said yes. I went on to say how on the forum, someone went to see a new therapist and how they had information about their plans (or at least that they had one) in the new client paperwork. I reminded you how that was an area of concern for me with your last vacation. You remembered. I shared with you that I wrote on the forum that you and I had talked about it and my ideal outcome. I said how after talking to you about it, I still didn’t know what you did if anything because you haven’t shared it with me/we haven’t returned to the topic. I continued to explain how I told them on the forum how yes, I felt I was asking for more than was appropriate given my role in your life and that I was ok with that. I shared with them how we/I’d just recently reconnected with you through the transference and to lose one’s mommy/ideal mommy is hard. I used the word ideal here because I wanted to be clear on the forum that some people did not have good thoughts of their mommy so the concept of losing their mommy might not seem hard. I wanted them to imagine it from the point of view that if your mommy had been good enough, been loved and their mommy loved them, how hard it would be. I’m not sure I see you as ideal mommy or not; definitely good enough mommy, loved mommy and I feel loved by you – not sure if that is just the transference or if I feel it genuinely for the I part as well as all the parts. You acknowledged that yes, losing a mommy/ideal mommy is hard. I told you that I can get by without closure but I do much better with closure. You asked a clarifying question – if I meant closure around the topic or in the event if something bad happened. I said if something bad happened. I again reiterated that I can get by without it, I just do better with it. You said ok. My perception of you changed here. I don’t know what was going on with you. It seemed like something was going on with you through this portion. You had changed the way you were sitting again, it seemed like you were a bit pulled into yourself and a bit withdrawn. It seemed like you were listening, taking me seriously, that you were there with me. It seemed like you took in the information as a person and maybe not from a therapist’s position; it seemed more personal. Then again, just might have been my perception. When I told you again that I do better with closure than without it, that I can get by without it, you said Ok. I went on to clarify that it was closure with space and with you. I think you said Ok again here. It seemed like you were talking softly. The Ok felt different than how I usually take ok’s in stressful discussions. I didn’t take it as being dismissed. I have mixed feelings about the possibility that I might have brought up hard feelings for you. And this came out in a forum post once I got home.

About your question on closure to the topic of you having something in place if something bad was to happen to you – I’m not sure if I need that, the older boy says he wants it because it would be a promise that we were not forgotten, that we’d be taken care of. He doesn’t really need it for himself, as much as he is standing in front of the other parts demanding it for them. If he has the promise, he trusts you, he can tell them that they are safe – won’t be forgotten, won’t be harmed – will have something/someone to help them through the process so they don’t have to do it alone. I shared in my journal my post from the forum as to my ideal/my fantasy. A more realistic would be a therapist that you felt would be a good match to help me through it, contact me before I found out in other ways, and offering to meet with me to work through it; and yeah, closure to the space; perhaps me gathering something of what I left with you. I don’t think I would want all of the items back, I can imagine me taking just a single puzzle piece. I might even leave something more behind (the clip comes to mind), I could see me doing that.

This is so not the right order because I don’t remember there being another topic we talked about but we didn’t go directly from the “if something bad happened to you” topic to the older boy not loving you as mommy topic. Or maybe we did but I don’t think so. Anyway, another thing talked about was the older boy in general. I told you that he doesn’t love you as mommy, that he loves you like a favorite teacher. I reminded you of what I wrote some time ago regarding siting in the breakroom, on the floor next to the refrigerator, not touching the refrigerator, eating my dinner; and how I felt like a 10 yr old boy out fishing with his dad, content to be around his dad without them having to talk. I said that when that happened I wondered or stated that I didn’t think you could be daddy to him. I still don’t think so. I told about how I’ve noticed throughout my life that sometimes when I am in men’s spaces I can sometimes feel like the little brother out with a many year older brother. It doesn’t happen all the time or with all guys just some. I said that it’s noticeable enough that my wife has even commented on it. I said something about that not being too hard as I’m a pretty easy read emotionally. I was remembering a time when I felt this – I said that I think this is the older boy and he is watching the guys to try to figure out how to act. You commented about how guys have a different way of communicating and moving through the world. I said that the older boy is where my confidence lives. He is who I tap into when I need confidence. I said that he can even lead sometimes. You asked about the walk, I said the swagger, I’m all that. I said that this was different. You tried to figure out what made it different. I said that it was more goal/task driven. We talked about solving puzzles and you brought up my old job and the layers needed to manage that work. Yeah. More was said here, I don’t remember – just more along this same line.

My watch had gone off and I knew it was time to go. I didn’t want to go. I really didn’t want to go. I had looked at you some this session but not a huge amount.

me: I love you
you: I know
me: I know you know.

You joked about saying it back but then thinking that would be too many I knows. We laughed. I got up from the floor. You asked about pain, I said none. I think I told you here that the surgeon said I didn’t need to wear the compression garment just an ace on my leg for the seromas and how she’d asked me not to aspirate them anymore. I told you that they had already enlarged almost back to original size and that I had sent a picture in before coming to session. You said you wondered what they’d say. Blah – still don’t aspirate at home and still keep compression on.

I stood and grabbed my bag then saw my coat. I sat my bag down and put on my coat. I said see my medium coat. You were like alright! about it. I said that I had noticed that the black coat hung off me a fair amount. You checked our time for Monday – 3:30pm. I headed towards the door. I did not want to go. I needed to go. I told you that one of the problems now is that I don’t have a butt anymore and the area in the back around my incisions is numb so I don’t feel my pants falling down. You said I’d be all gangster. I pulled at my pants and said I already was. You said something about seeing me on Monday, I think. I said to be safe – this was a plead for you to be safe. I think you said yes or you will. You told me to be safe. I said yes. Be safe. I left.

At no time did I ask you to move to the floor, so you spent the entire session in your chair with me on the floor. This didn't seem to be a big deal for me during session. I did not think about it at all after the initial, oh she's not going to sit on the floor thought at the beginning of the session. I don't feel like I looked at you throughout the session but I think that is more because I read so much from my journal.

I went upstairs, catching the door on the way out. I zipped my coat and headed to the car. I wanted to cry right away. I was already missing you. I already wanted you. I didn’t linger in the car, go home. Someone pulled in as I was about to pull out putting a car in ever close in parking spots and 2 cars in front of the stairs. I’ve started getting more confident about this and I maneuvered my way out of the space and onto the road. Traffic wasn’t too bad. I was sad. I was so sad. I just wanted to come home, eat some food and curl into bed. And that is what I did. I ate a turkey paddy and some chips, did oral care, gathered up one of my laptops, and curled into bed a little after 7pm. I worked on the session notes, emails and the forum until a little after 10pm. I was falling asleep.