Quote:
Originally Posted by fille_folle
I don't think the googling is what you actually feel guilty about. I think it's the underlying desire behind the behavior that causes the guilt. You desire to invade your T's privacy and cross her boundaries. When I Google my T, I am attempting to feel closer to her without imposing on her or requiring anything special from her. With you, it's the opposite, as proven by your compulsion to tell her what you find. I don't think you are motivated by guilt at all.
I also think you struggle because you aren't willing to accept that you will never have the relationship you seek with your T. Sure, you've given some lip service to the notion, but I don't think you've allowed yourself to really believe the reality because it's too painful. Instead, you continue to look for loopholes. Also, it's important to understand that you don't "need" to know a lot about your T, you want to know a lot. Your T is trying to give you what you actually need by limiting information - but she can't control your inclination to sabotage yourself.
|
I can give a more complete answer now. I was too reactive with the other answer because it seems like you're telling me what I feel and no one can know someone else's mind. I DO feel guilty when I have looked things up about my T and that IS one reason I tell her. I also tell her because I want help. I don't think it's right to do that but she says it IS, which is confusing to me. It's now all right to Google, just don't tell her! I do NOT desire to invade my T's privacy! You're stating it in black and white and it's not. I believe it IS because I want to be close to her.
You're right about not accepting the relationship I have with her. It seems more like friendship because of her personality. She's open and friendly, and kind of casual. That's why I can tell her anything! I agree I have trouble accepting that we're not really friends, but it's the baby and child parts who want to be in her life. I don't think I can change my wanting the relationship to be more than it is. In spite of that, I am so much better in regards to vacations and between session contact. I used to be miserable when I missed a week. Not anymore. T and I know I'm better.
I didn't mean I didn't want to change anything. I focus on attachment in this forum, but I have made a great deal of progress in other areas of my life.
I'm not sure that limiting information is helping me. It just makes me want to know more. I had one T who disclosed a lot more and I did NOT have this kind of attachment to her. Maybe there were other factors but I think the holding back triggers me.
I'm sorry if you think I'm being defensive. I just think it's not black or white. Some of what you think makes sense to me but not all. I will ask my T what she thinks.