I am feeling sad and have lots of toxic thoughts most of the time.
these thoughts are haunting me. my mother told me nobody is going to accept me the way i am. nobody will be there for me. she told me i was a horrible person with a terrible personality, that nobody would ever be able to live with me. she told me i had to change. but there are parts of me that i can’t change. don’t get me wrong, from the perspective of today i can tell i was probably one of the nicest kids out there. and it was of no good for me. i was extremely obedient and conscious of the bad things i did. i had an extreme feeling of guilt. but in reality those were innocent mistakes nobody in their life must be blamed for. i blame now my father for not seeing that. i’ve turned into a bitter person. i am afraid people think i am too serious and negative.

if she saw me now she would say “stop your crying, i know you’re pretending, you don’t care”. because of that i can’t even cry out properly because i am asking myself whether she is right. i am living now far away from her and it should have gotten better, but i don’t understand why i can’t let it go. i have fallen in love with people but i always think i’m not good enough for them. i don’t believe if somebody compliments me. i get extremely upset because of my flaws and slightest embarrassments. sometimes i am completely unable to concentrate on my studies and work, my thoughts get out of control and my heartbeat is preventing me from sleep. at the same time i long for a contact, someone who would love, but a stranger, not a family member just because we’re family. i told my friend about and she told me i don't have to think it is something unusual and everybody is going through this, so i'm in doubt whether it is me overthinking.

i don’t want to go to therapist because of the costs and lack of time, and that would make me feel even more like a person who is complaining all the time, i want to think i am strong to get over it. Although i have other issues i’m struggling with, i had an eating disorder for many years now and once i drink i drink too much. i have a constant feeling of melancholy and that everything i do is meaningless after all.

Sorry if that was too much reading