Just waffling away to myself now.........
I think I feel resentment and embarrassment that I have revealed such personal details about myself to people who are strangers to me. Although my nurse is friendly and kind, I hate the fact that he has made me answer a questionnaire as part of my Care Plan that involved details such as my sex drive and bowel movements!! The fact that he brought another nurse in training along with him to witness him do the assessment also grates on me. I'd only met this other guy once before and felt backed into a corner during the meeting, even though I was in my own home I was not in control. I felt compelled to answer the questions because I am so desperate to get help. I feel they took advantage of my vulnerable state to extract information out of me for their own gain - to make their job easier. I hate the fact that my nurse has the power to have me put into hospital against my will. I have had nighmares about it. I am angry with myself for ever starting this whole process with the mental health team and I dream of running away from this part of the country and starting again in a place no one knows me. I feel too exposed now. I've been so private in my life so far - until I had a breakdown, then my mouth went into overdrive and told the people assessing me things about myself I deeply regret. This whole 'being mentally ill' thing is too much for me to cope with. I much preferred living in denial and my own little fantasy world.