Hi I'm back again! I've been through a difficult period of my life and also ended therapy. Remember I talked about that therapist I liked? Well he didnt help me at all, he started acting in a strange way, he said things like I was crazy, and during therapy I always felt bad and dissociated. He only gave me labels and that's it, without giving me time to open up. Last session (so nearly 1 month ago now) he said "do you want to sign this therapeutic contract?" and I was like hell no, I won't sign it and I wont give you the money because you didn't treat me right! Also he never explained things like therapy goals and I was too shy to ask. So he became angry or frustrated and said to me "ok leave now" and I stood there unable to move because I wanted explanations and also because I was in "love" with him. He said "I'll give you X seconds or I'll call the police or a psych hospital". Then he grabbed me by the wrist and made me go away. I stood there on his door and he said to me I'll call the police if you don't go away. And after a while I went away and I had panick attacks.
Then during one night (after that episode with that therapist) I was panicky and had weird thoughts like "my flatmates want to hurt me" and I was almost psychotic I think. I ran away and went near my university area, it was night and I was afraid of being killed. After a while the police and an ambulance approached me, I don't know maybe my flatmates were searching for me because they heard me leaving the house, and they saw I was in that state. I didnt want to go to the hospital because I was still afraid of people hurting me, I don't know if I was dissociated. After a lot of time I agreed to go with them to the hospital, and they asked me questions and wanted me to take a med for anxiety but I refused it. I also explained with honesty that I was afraid of others hurting me, and I probably said weird things like I was hearing voices, so they decided to hospitalize me and they forced me to do it because I didn't want it (in my country i'ts called like "mandatory hospitalization" I dont know the right term).
So I went to this psych hospital but they gave me too many meds and their effects were awful. I asked to be transferred to another hospital near my home and away from that city (I was there because of my university). I got transferred and they lowered my meds and I was lucky because I found gentle people. My roomate, the other patients my age, nurses and doctors were all gentle towards me. For example with one nurse I talked about buddhism and philosophy one time! He was really nice!
After 1 week they decided to discard me and gave me a psych (near where I live). The diagnosis was psychotic episode but now everything is passed and I don't have intrusive thoughts anymore and my previous fears too have passed.
I went to my psych and he was nice too, and we decided together to suspend my meds because they were awful. When I left the hospital I went cold turkey with them and I told the truth to this psych. We decided to do more visits so he could "monitor" me because he said "it's no good to suspend the meds so abruptly". But I think I feel better without meds. During the 2n visit he said that he sees me better, he didnt prescribe me meds and I too feel better and didn't experience a strong withrawal. I also told him that I suspect of having a personality disorder, and that I want a diagnosis.
He said why do you want a diagnosis so badly, it's a label, a diagnosis is for us to know how to treat you! But I want it so I know whats wrong with me.
Anyway I'll see the new therapist (public service) in 1 week and I hope she'll be nice to me and will help me!
But now I dont feel good, I have daily mood swings (but they are manageable I always had them), self harming behaviour (this came back too because I used to self harm in the past), I'm dealing with self hatred, feelings of emptiness and boredom that came back strongly. I hate myself and also it's like I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want to do with my future, I feel like I lack qualities. I feel like I'm only a burden to my psych and new therapist, I'm wasting their time and I feel shame because I was psychotic and feel really ashamed of myself!
I think the emptiness and boredom are here because now I'm not going to my uni lessons and I dont see many people so it's like the routine is killing me even tho I try to stay active (I read, I cook, I go out, I see family members or my few friends etc).
I realized the previous therapist did nothing to help me, I had a strong transference but that's it. I thought about him everyday, it was an obsession to the point i couldnt study or focus on things.
The only good thing is that my social anxiety seems gone, like I'm less afraid of being judged and of talking with people. But I'm always afraid other people wont like me and thus leave me.