Hi, ocdandme, welcome.

I identified with some of your story but probably not all of the intensity. You are married, that's a good thing isn't it?

Have you ever had regular psychotherapy over a longish period? I was afraid of my shadow and terminally shy and forever wishing the ground would open up and swallow me, etc. I'm much better after a million years of therapy with a therapist I could work well with (I'm 57).