In a way, your world does end. Mine did. I'm fast approaching the one year mark since my world ended.

It is scary. Because, it hurts, and that is an understatement. I felt like I was dying, except I would never actually die - just continue in a type of pain that went beyond anything I'd experienced before.

And I needed help. That's the one thing I knew: that I could not do this alone. And, I know this isn't what you want to do -- but, I shopped around hard core for a new therapist. Saw 5, settled on one. Started attending group therapy (all women; trauma-focused) so that all my 'eggs' wouldn't be in one basket. And I continued to feel like I MUST be close to dying, because I could not possibly continue to exist in the pain I was in.

But, my world began to expand. My T had BEEN my world for 3 years. My relationship with him had been the most important thing to me. But, now, I experienced a level of care I hadn't experienced ever with him: suddenly, I had a new T and a new Group T who were both committed to helping me. Not trying to be my friend, but trying to help me. They even communicated with one another too coordinate care. At one point, they were not sure if they were required to report my exT for the boundaries that he crossed -- this was a REALLY terrifying subject for me, and I got angry. But, then, Group T said "I just didn't want to be another person who saw someone hurting you and did nothing." And I realized...holy crap. There are other people I can depend on who are not exT.

I also started to make friends. It took active trying, but I did finally find a couple - including one who is now my best friend - the kind of friend I can text any time and say "I'm not ok; can you come over?" And she can do that with me too.

All of this is to say that while your T is your whole world right now, your T is not the only one who can give you that kind of care and connection. The options are not "T or nobody," you might choose to make those your only options, but that is on you. Does it require taking a risk? Yes. Relationships are always a risk.

At a certain point, you have to decide: do you want to be miserable, or do you want to heal? Do you want to be alone, or do you want others in your life? Nobody is going to come save you. Being more miserable or in more pain will not make anyone suddenly see "omg NOW I see you are in so much pain! NOW I will help make it better!" Because that's not how it works. You have to fight tooth and nail, go against instinct, do the hard thing, and claw your way towards healing.

One of my favorite quotes:

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.”