Not a session but phone calls.

Back story: I see T1 and T3 currently. T3 is a specialist in DID and personality disorders both of which I have been diagnosed with. T1 basically got in over his head with me but hasn't bailed, just encouraged me to also see a specialist.

I have made some amazing progress with T3. But about 6 months ago she decided to go to talk therapy rather than the more brain/body based stuff that we'd done for 2 years (again-amazing results). So for the last 6 months, I have been getting slowly but surely worse. H went in with me and was flabbergasted at her style. I've asked her to change some things, she has, but she has not been willing to go back to brain spotting. She has admitted that she was setting goals for me that were not even what I wanted. All that to say that I feel like I have tried to work things out with her, and I think she has with me. But, I was feeling agitated, unable to sleep, heart pounding all the time, just making backwards progress. Last session was again frustrating, I left dissociated. The next morning I called the receptionist and cancelled my next two sessions. I had four scheduled. I thought that taking a break to see how I felt would be a good idea.

I had said in session that perhaps I should quit with her because we are just not onthe same page. She said that would be ok, but that she thought that I should have a conversation with her about it and not just react. I thought about that, but decided that I didn't want to have another frustrating, dissociative session. So, I cancelled those two sessions to just see how I would react.

T1 agreed that taking a break/quitting was in order. I was calm, sleeping better. Pretty much convinced that quitting was my best plan. The problem is that T1 really has no clue on the dissociative stuff.

Meanwhile, my college roommate's husband died. We are in our 50's. I am not close with the former roommate-I used to see her each year when we would visit my in-laws in California, a couple of hours from where she lives. But they moved and we don't go to CA anymore, so not really in touch these days. But the death of her husband was kind of a shock. 55 years old, sudden death. I had two reactions-sadness for her and anger that he gets to die and I don't. That anger thing is how I react when people my age die-I know that it is not a sign of robust mental health. But I do wish that I were dead. The other reaction, sadness and shock, I shared with H. He wanted to hug and hold me, to comfort me, and I just can't do that. I don't know why. So two issues that I want to fix with T3, right there. I talked to T1 about it, he said journal, I shared the journal, I left that session to drive a few hours to my daughters. And while driving, I dissociated enough that I didn't know where the brake pedal was when a semi changed into my lane right in front of me. Not good to dissociate like that. Clearly I need something other than T1. But still calm and still able to sleep. I started looking for Ts who do the kind of stuff T3 does-several hours away. Right. But I was still not making a definite decision about if I was taking a break or quitting all together.

Friday, T3 called me. Left a message, that she was checking up on me. ??? Asked me to let her know how I was doing. I called back, she answered, said she was in session (!!!) and would call me back. She has never even had her phone on while I was in session to the best of my knowledge. There has never been a call or a text. So, wtf. I actually have never had her cell number until this. So she called back, left a message, and I called again.

She said she was concerned that I left in a bad way, that she was wondering how I was doing since I hadn't been in, wanted to check in. And. said that she has decided that setting goals isn't working. That we need to return to brain spotting (which is what I have been asking for), that instead of goals I need to be curious about what is changing and report it back to her. She'd actually done a consultation with some peers that use brainspotting for DID and this is the result.

I was pretty much flabbergasted. I said thanks and we hung up.

Part of me feels like I pitched a fit and now I am getting my way. Part of me feels like "Hah! See, distancing works." Part of me is mystified. I mean, I have left dissociated before. I have cancelled sessions before (for work or family kind of things-not because I was fed up) and she has never called.

So, yeah. Weird. I suppose she saw the teenage part that comes in handy when I need to distance myself as I was leaving. Or something. I'm still not sure what to make of it. But I do want to do the brain spotting. It really helps. She is really good at it. I don't want to take a full day to travel to someone else who can do brainspotting. At this point, I don't have an appt for this week-this is the second of the two weeks that I cancelled. But I am still on her schedule for the 16th. I guess I go back.

This is definitely not the way that I thought my question about if I should continue with her would be answered. But, it works.