I can relate to a bit of what you said. By the time I was 18, I was drinking sun up to sun down. That was (still sort of is) my drug of choice. It's cheaper and legal and got me into a LOT of trouble. I also dropped out of school and have suffered with depression most of my life. I'm nearly 22 now. I've controlled my drinking habits down a great amount compared to back then. It's still a demon of mine and always will be.

It took getting into some serious legal trouble and almost dying for me to get any help. I hope it doesn't have to be that way for you. The event was a shock to my system and made me realize that I need other outlets that actually help with my depression. Whenever I wanted a drink, I'd to ten push ups, I'd walk, I'd write or if I was feeling particularly low I'd just sit and talk to myself about it (weird but screw it, I'm weird). I also have started cleaning every time I crave self-destruction. The biggest step I took was seeing a therapist for the first time. It was so damn hard, but once I began that route, I was set to get better about something.

I'm not going to lie to you, my life is still really hard to live with. I hate waking up, let alone getting up. I still want to drink day in and day out. I still want to die. However, I have a better relationship with my mom, I have a fiance I love to the moon and back and a best friend who always has my back. I don't drink nearly as much, which has done wonders for my depression and self-loathing. Getting enough help can lead to having days where you can get up without as much struggle as the day before. It's not easy but it's worth it.

I'm here whenever you need to talk.