I’m 52 and severely depressed over my relationship with my parents (in their late 70’s). My parents chose to move about 20 miles away from me 4 ½ years ago, which is what I wanted at the time so that it would be easier to care for them as they age. Thankfully, they were and continue to be healthy and independent – living on their own, driving themselves around, etc. Things were OK for a while, but the relationship went downhill over the course of last year, when my Mother became increasingly meddling and intrusive over my decisions regarding my family. My Mother has always been a miserable person, and is very controlling and manipulative to boot – she will “push my buttons” using direct statements, guilt trips, delusional logic, trying to blame me for own circumstances, denials of her own behavior and even leveraging my severe hearing loss as a reason for me “misunderstanding” her (she only did this once, I think ……)

My Mom’s behavior became unbearable in 2017 and, despite some more casual verbal requests to my Mom to stay out of my business, did not improve. In September, I decided to write a very direct letter to my parents, citing five different examples in 2017 when my Mom crossed the line. I told them both they needed to respect my decisions even if they did not agree with them – otherwise our relationship would be impacted. I also cited my Dad for standing back and just allowing all this to happen (he has spent his entire marriage being verbally abused and called names by my Mother). But, in the letter, I also assured them I loved them and would always be there for them. After the letter, I also decided to maintain less contact with them for the next month or so.


The letter didn’t go over too well with either of them. After several weeks, I heard nothing from them (we normally talk 2-3 times per week). In late October, I invited them to dinner at a restaurant, in hope of talking things out. At the dinner, my Mom seemed willing to talk calmly, but my Father had a public tirade, calling the letter disrespectful while scolding at me and waving his finger in my face. I decided to leave the restaurant, with my Dad yelling as I left “we’ll be out of here in 3-4 months”. I felt like a little child again.
Before the letter, coincidentally, my parents contracted to buy a new house in the same general area. In November, my sister told me they negotiated their way out of that contract, put their house up for sale, and planned to move out “west” - closer to our Colorado family. (The irony is, they hate the snow and cold, and for years said they would never move to Colorado).

Thanksgiving Dinner (again, my invitation) was at a restaurant, and was awkward but not combative. We didn’t see each other over Christmas, but spoke over the phone. The conversation was again awkward, but somehow we touched on their house being up for sale without an argument about things.

Tonight, my Mom texted me that the house sold, and that the closing was 2/6.

She said we would “surely” see each other before they leave. I texted back “OK”…. but find myself angered and upset all over again with this latest development. All I can think of is how I spent the 4 ½ years they lived nearby trying to be a good son and being supportive of them – and how none of that seems to matter to them. It’s one thing to argue and disagree about any topic ….. but to me, it’s a whole other level to literally pick up and move across the country, away from your son, under these circumstances without talking things out. We hear a lot about children estranging their parents ….. but what about parents estranging their children???

Part of me hates them, and could give a **** less about them for the rest of my life. Another side of me tells me I’m oversensitive, says they’re getting older, and need to just “grin and bear it” with them.
Any thoughts from you folks out there? Any ideas how I can fight off the depression from, basically, losing my parents???


-Vinpin