I feel more alone than ever. My official diagnoses have changed. Well, except for the PTSD. My T says my PTSD is severe. I'm going to be honest, I always figured PTSD was PTSD. Severe and mild and everything in between didn't exist. I was also recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia. Whoo-hoo. Not that it really changes anything, though. I'm still experiencing the same crap day in and day out.

I took my friend to an IP hospital the other day. She has severe depression and SI, and what I believe to be undiagnosed PTSD. She refuses to tell people about it. I'm one of two people she's told things to. My mom's sick, too, but more physical right now. I'm scared to lose them. I hardly see my fiance anymore because I was kicked out (for reasons that still haven't been revealed to me) of his parent's place. Whatever, it's their house. Still sucks that I can't be with him.

Anyway, all of this added stress to everything has left me feeling numb and calm tonight. Not in a good way. I only get this calm before memories, flashbacks and nightmares begin. My hallucinations are slim to none (as far as I can tell) which also tends to happen prior to a major episode/breakdown. I know I can't stop it, so I'm just waiting for it to happen.

Sorry for writing a book. I just have no one else to tell this stuff to. Everyone needs me okay right now. My friend, my mom, my fiance, my friend's family... everyone. And I'm locked in denial that I'm spiralling downward so fast, I might as well be plummeting. I see it, but I don't feel it, yet (if you know what I mean). I'm considering just triggering the **** out of myself to get tonight over with. At this point I'm just rambling. Hell, maybe I was the whole time. I need to man up and shut up.