I wrote this, but never sent it, the night I left our appointment unstable:

"It’s easier to be small. To deal with that part of me’s pain. The little part of me can be soothed by just the idea of being held and comforted and reminded you are there. But, the hurt adult? The hurt present me? What is there to comfort that?"

~~~

Rational TMC has reasoned this out:

What you were saying tonight is "I feel protective towards you when you are vulnerable." Just like I feel protective towards my husband, or my friends, or even of you when I know one of you is vulnerable.

Is this (above) correct?

To move further towards "parts speak" -- you are saying "The protective part of me feels protective towards the vulnerable part of you." And you, yourself, have a vulnerable/child part that also wants protection sometimes, etc., you are not just one big protective part (although I think I like to think of you that way).

Is this (above) correct?

But, what I heard is this: "I feel protective of children, but not of you." Or "If you were still a child, I would want to protect you. But, you aren't a child and can never be one again, so I don't feel that way towards you now that you are an adult." Actually, I quite literally felt in competition with "someone else" and that "someone else" was my own child part...

I heard you speaking of my "child part" as a completely separate person from me.

I guess I didn't realize that's how I felt about or towards 'parts.' Logically, I understand - there's one me with different aspects. And I realize that I even said to you that it was helpful for me to be able to talk in 'parts.' But, now I'm thinking maybe I was wrong, because maybe it actually increases the "separation" / "it wasn't me any of this stuff happened to" idea that I'm trying to break through and undo. I'm not sure.

~~~

I want to return to my question of "is it a problem that I'm spending so much of my therapy focused on our relationship?"
I was expecting an easy "no, it isn't a problem; so much of the work we are doing comes from our relationship" or something like that. (This isn't fair to you, but the question is actually coming up because of a situation with a friend that's going on right now w/ her therapist. Watching a friend go through the hellish struggle that is having to consider ending a multi-year therapy relationship because it's just not the right fit anymore both triggered my memories of that grief hell with S as well as a desire for reassurance from you that that wasn't happening here. That you are OK with my focus on our relationship.)

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'd like to rephrase the question: is it a problem for you that I'm spending so much of my therapy right now focused on our relationship?

It is not a problem for me. Though I realize that a relationship is not primarily built by talking about that relationship but rather by experiencing it, because of what happened with S and how that has impacted me (and since working through what happened there and the damaged it caused is a therapy goal), I feel that talking about our relationship is actually a really important part of the therapy. Because, I am aware that many of my feelings are really some sort of weird "therapist transference" (is that a thing??) and it's like I'm working out my feelings about and impacted by S through working through my feelings about and towards you.

Would you agree with that assessment? (above)

And since we keep coming back to therapy goals (which is making me anxious, because I'm worried you are bringing that up because you do not think I am progressing and/or because you think I have side tracked away from my goals.... i.e., I think you're bringing it up because I'm failing to meet them).... let me just put it in writing.

1. To work through what happened with S and the damage it caused. This is still fresh/active for me, and I'd like to work through it as a primary goal so that it doesn't become old, engrained damage.

2. To process the traumas from my past so that they are "just memories" but are also "my memories - not someone else's" and do not intrude into my everyday life in unexpected, difficult-to-identify ways.

3. This is almost just "2a." - to process the things from my past that are not necessarily traumas, but that still shaped me as a person, some of which have shaped me in maladaptive ways that I would like to change.

4. To keep my parenting and marriage (my primary and ongoing important relationships) on a healthy path and address any issues ASAP to avoid any longstanding damage.

5. This goes with #3, but... to address my eating and body image issues. I'm not sure if I want to stop tracking my food, but I would like my life and my happiness to stop being governed by the number on the scale.

We can revisit the goals, but now I have them written down so that I don't have to scramble to try to remember them in such a "well-worded" way.

~~~

Last but not least...in any way...

I hate feeling disconnected from you. I know you can't singlehandedly fix that -- perhaps all the power lies with me, or perhaps it is shared. I'm trying my absolute best to break the cycle we identified a month or so ago and NOT let this escalate into some crisis before the connection is re-established. But, I'm not sure I know how to do that. I keep coming at it with logic (see above!) as if I can reason and rationalize myself back into finding the connection again. But, it's not working. I don't really know how to come at it another way.

The one thing I know is this:
I felt most connected with you when we "Opened the S box" during that visual exercise and you walked me through that and were clearing witnessing/experiencing it alongside me.

I feel most connected and secure about our relationship when I get reassurance and comfort from you. I'm going to be honest... I don't want to hear "I feel daddy feelings towards your child part." I want to hear that you feel them towards me.