I'm going to take a risk and send you this that I just wrote to a friend and would normally never ever let you see, because I'm mortified at having these thoughts. Please know this is NOT at all coming from rational adult me...

"Need to take meds soon and sleep. can tell am spiraling. Really really upset right now thinking that C (you) is home with his family -- you know, the people he actually cares about and wants to protect, including his actual kid who gets to literally be a kid, so he can literally protect him."

I'm pretty sure I can never look you in the eye again after sending this, but if approaching this rationally isn't working (as I said in my previous email), then I have to try something else. So I'll try to emotionally... but I'm also trying not to let it escalate into an emotional 'crisis' desperately trying to 'find the connection' like it has in the past? So ...rational and emotional in one email? God I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.

IDK I'm rambling. I'm going to go force myself to sleep now.