Quote:
Originally Posted by seesaw
Having spoken to you about this more extensively, I feel like he was pretty up front with you when you brought up exclusivity. I disagree that he would have kicked you to the curb if you hadn't had sex with him. He doesn't sound like that kind of guy. It sounds to me like when the question was brought up, he was pretty honest with you about this problem he has with commitment. He could have lied, but he was honest. There's nothing bad about being honest with what you want and who you are. He didn't take advantage of you.
You were having a casual relationship to start, and then things kept going and you wanted to be exclusive, so you broached the topic. He wasn't ready for that. So you ended it. You did absolutely nothing wrong here. You didn't miss any red flags. You didn't do anything to yourself. Sometimes people don't fit together or aren't at the same place emotionally. It happens. It doesn't mean either one is a bad person or did anything wrong.
I have talked with you a lot. You have a very strong identity and sense of self. You know who you are, you have self confidence, you know what you want. You can take as little or as much time as you want between relationships. It's not like you're jumping from man to man because you need them as a source of identity or because you fear abandonment.
I also don't think it's necessary to "be alone" for any period of time if it's not beneficial. People do that after long relationships when they've lost their sense of self or need to figure out what makes them happy. That is not the case with you. You were with your deadbeat boyfriend for a year; that's not that long. Sometimes the best thing to do, in fact, is get up off the dirt and start throwing fast balls again.
You're doing fine, kid. Don't let other people's judgments get you down. Everyone has opinions, but there's no right or wrong way to live or love. Do what makes you happy.
Seesaw
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Seesaw, thank you. I really appreciate the time you took to write such a supportive, thoughtful and uplifting reply in my defense. HUGS.
You are reading the situation accurately and thank you also for your kind words about me. I agree that he was simply being honest with me when posed with the question.
He was no villain in this matter, so for some others, there's no reason to vilify him, or judge me for having gotten into a relationship after my breakup, or for having had sex with him early on. This was for fun to start with. Then it evolved into something a bit more deep.. a lot more deep.
I respect his honesty. I am not hurt by his actions -- I applaud him for respecting me enough to tell me.
I am disappointed that it had to end, but it did need to end at this stage. He did not use me. He cares for me and told me yesterday that he loves me.. that his feelings are deep and very real. I believe him. He is not just feeding me BS. He is just as upset about this ending as I am.... he wrote to me yesterday, on his initiative, telling me this.
He said we had a beautiful thing going -- I know he is going to miss what we had -- it was pretty magical. We both know this -- others (my friends) commented on how happy we were together when we were out dancing to our favorite music. We saw a video of us dancing and his comment was "we are so cute!!!!!"
We shared a lot of good times together.. he looked at me with looks of love. I could see it in his eyes. I believe him when he told me yesterday that he loves me.
So I know this is not easy. He poured out his heart to me yesterday. I don't think he's going to turn around and begin a man who.re fest in response, discarding me and moving coldly onto the next.
There's been a lot of interpretation on here about his motives, who he is, what he is doing and what he wants. And I think a lot of it has been off.
I know him... at least as far as you can know someone given the seven weeks we've been together. Him still being on the dating site after seven weeks, to me, simply just speaks to his ambivalence right now about a commitment.
Seesaw, I agree that there should be no specified amount of time that one needs to be alone after a breakup. It's individual My ex fiance and I had actually already broken up two months before the final one. It had been coming.
But this go around, I will take some time to be alone mainly because my heart and mind are not into dating again right now after this.
Some of the responses on here are making me more aware of my own replies to people and how they may come across. We must remember to be supportive and try to think of the situation from the poster's shoes and have empathy.
I learned in my counseling psychology graduate program that as a therapist, you start therapy from wherever the client is at in their progress or growth. That you don't just lead them down a road they are not yet ready for -- you begin where they are. This I think is valuable and we could all probably use this approach. I am going to try to remember this when I reply to other posters.
Seesaw, thanks again, and a BIG
thank you again to all those who have been so supportive of me on here that I am not specifically mentioning. I deeply appreciate your kindness and support! It means to the world to me.
