My boyfriend is in the hospital. Since the end of July, he has been going in and out of the hospital with one thing after another. They've been very serious illnesses. I've taken care of him at home for over 3 years. That's what we both want. But he keeps landing in healthcare facilities. I don't know which is worse - the strain of caring for him at home, or the anxiety of having him in the hospital and wondering if he'll come home again. Tonight it's clear I'm becoming a wreck mentally. I've been crying for hours.

Two members of my immediate family passed away in hospitals when they were alone. In each case, it was totally unexpected. Staff simply found them passed away. I do not trust hospital staff to care for someone I love. As a child, I lost a young sibling that way. As an adult, I lost a parent that way. When I leave the hospital, after visiting my boyfriend, like I did four hours ago, I have tremendous anxiety that something will happen to him and no one will be there. He is extremely frail. I feel like he hangs on to life by a thread. I want to take him home where he wants to go. But the doctors say he should go to a rehab center. That might make him stronger. So he'll leave one hospital to go into another tomorrow. I don't want to spend the time we have left in hospitals. But he keeps landing up in hospitals.

I'm using my pain pills (Vicodin) as tranquilizers. Not willy-nilly. Tonight, after hours of crying and fretting, I took one. It kicked in and I feel much better. I was getting awfully depressed. I'm waiting for a psych consult to ask about medication to regulate my sleep. I'm up all night and exhausted during the day. I need help. I doubt they'll take my problem with bad sleep and depression seriously.