I struggled so much last year to get a new job that when I finally got one I didn't like what I was going to be doing. Months of applying, being rejected, interviewing, being rejected, to finally getting an offer weighed heavily on me. I guess my wife was right in saying that I was just excited to get a job and took the one offer that came across after everything else I tried failed.

Last night I felt shaky and didn't feel right. I can't quite describe it. I wasn't sure if it was nerves, anxiety, low blood sugar, etc. My wife freaked out on me and said that it was possibly me entering another episode and that I shouldn't change jobs because I'm not ready to. She says I didn't take the time to do enough research on the companies I'm applying for because ONE employer I applied to is known for layoffs and I didn't have a fast enough rebuttal. Honestly I need the interview experience, so even if that job wouldn't pan out I would have another interview under my belt.

I just want back to a familiar routine. A job I can go into each day knowing I have work to do and I'm capable of completing it all in the eight hours I'm paid to do so. A lot of jobs do that, mine doesn't. It also has to pay decently with good benefits. My wife is a stickler for health benefits - if they aren't up to snuff I can't accept the job. Period. While benefits are benefits our current financial situation is fragile and additional expenditures due to higher cost of health insurance could undermine our budget.

So I feel...trapped. Right now I just want to walk out of the office and never come back. I hate my job this much. I doubt my wife will ever understand it. I doubt anyone will ever understand it. I should have never left my old position, no matter how much I felt I needed to move on.