I am new to all of this and I am a bit desperate. Apologies if my first post is a bit long - I could probably write a book about it!

I seem to be doing a really great job of ruining my relationship with my wife. We have been married for nearly 30 years and have 3 wonderful kids.

My behaviour appears to be a large factor in what is going on in our lives and I desperately want to understand it better and make the changes that will start to stop and hopefully reverse what appears at the moment to be a spiral dive.

A bit of history:

During the early years of our marriage my family (parents & sister) did their best to trash my wife and our marriage, to the extent that they even said to their friends that they would pay for us to get divorced!! This went on behind our backs and sometimes in front of us too and got doubly worse when my parents moved in a few blocks away and they really ratcheted up the pressure. I had various opportunities to stand up for my wife, one obvious major issue being when my parents said that they were going to move in nearby & I didn’t raise an objection of any kind. This went on for many years and estranged me from my family (with no small sense of guilt on my part, I might add). My dad died about 12 years ago (having not spoken to him for about 5 years). After a while and some contact with my mother she actually faced up to all the hurtful things that she, my father and sister had done – she acknowledged & apologised for these and we now have a semblance of a relationship with her. I still have no contact with my sister and at this point don’t desire any.

More recently my wife’s long standing problems with her family have really started to come back to haunt us. Amongst other things she was bullied by an elder brother and at school. Her mother never acknowledged, supported or did anything about this. Her mother also has effectively been bullying her and continues to do so. We have both brought all of these things to her mum’s attention but her mum has done nothing to address any of it. So far ignoring our communications.

Now comes to the part I play or don’t as the case may be.

I believe am a very bad listener and I think I tend to be very insensitive (protection mechanism) which is why I missed so many opportunities to deal with some of these issues when they occurred. I catch myself sometimes tuning out of what people are saying and going off into daydreams, I then only catch part of the conversation, hence misunderstandings – doing the wrong thing etc.

I also seem to have difficulty in standing up for my loved ones (and myself), preferring to keep the peace. Well the public peace anyway, because you can imagine how my wife must have felt when her husband didn’t stand up for her and protect her – she was furious. I still remember my fears of driving home from work and worrying that her car might not be there and the house empty.

I think that I must be somewhat of a bully and a control freak because I seem to “listen” to what my wife says or asks and then go off and do something completely different or opposite, with the best of intentions but with completely the wrong consequences. Most recently we needed to replace my wife’s car which had been totalled in an unfortunate accident by our daughter (who is fine). We were looking at various models & my wife had decided what she would prefer, I on the other hand went off & found what I thought was a suitable vehicle without consulting her & bought it. Needless to say it is not the right thing and has been the cause of much anguish in our household.

Recently, I also tried to help her with her with her mum. After discussing the issues my wife wanted sorted out I called her mother, part way through the conversation I went “off script” on one issue after succumbing to my mother-in-laws “probing” going down a route that I promised I wouldn’t. This has now also caused more stress in our household.

This appears to be a regular occurrence in our house and something that I desperately want to change.

I feel like a great big lumbering bull in the china shop of my wife’s life and feelings. Which to add to she has a chronic medical condition that is worsened by stress and at present that is all I seem to be doing to her.

The trouble often starts as a relatively small thing – say she asks me to do something and due to not listening properly I go off and do something completely the opposite. She rightly gets angry and I get defensive and it gets to the point where we are hardly talking to each other, except for stilted conversations that often deteriorate because I am so on edge my listening skills get even worse…. I think that I tend to panic in these cases and try to solve problems on my own – hence the car debacle I mentioned before.

I just feel at the moment all I am doing is digging a deeper and deeper hole and making things worse and worse without any change for the better – in general I am starting to feel somewhat desperate to say the least.

My wife is under severe stress what with medical condition, her unresolved issues with her family and my behaviour. I am worried about her condition and I have told her so, I am not sure if she believes me because everything I do seems to indicate otherwise. I understand what her condition is and I am doing my best to understand it better.

I fell very lost and lonely at the moment because the person I really love and need to speak to about all these things doesn’t feel like she can trust me and I can understand why. I need some sage advice as to what to do, how do I change my behaviour to stop all this hurt? How do I show that I really care? How do I stop being a bully and control freak? Where do I start? How do I start? How do I learn to really listen?

My wife is at the end of her tether, as am I and I am desparate to find a place to start.

Thanks for listening