wow alex... that has got to be hard. i am glad that you feel you have some choice tho.. you can choose to allow yourself to continue or to push it away with the techniques you mentioned. i have never felt like i had a choice, even with things that are just ordinary but embarrasing stupid stuff. At night i would replay my little "movie" of all teh dumbass things i'd ever done... trapped.

the month, it's not all with you in the US tho is it? You won't find that part so bad maybe.. being with BF and all.. different surroundings. New and interesting is a great distraction sometimes. Having some physicalality also helps sometimes, someone to hold and be held by. i dunno..