It's one of those days that therapy seems a bit out of reach of my capacity as a person to weather the line between how highly personal it is, yet how it is a professional relationship.

My T worked really hard today, and kept reaching out in kind ways. He is very aware he is a male T treating a female trauma person( he insists patient not client) , and he also knows he pushes hard much of the time. Today he seemed a bit concerned , and talked about how we could take a breather and discuss a lighter subject, and not get more bleary-eyed and so sad bc he realized I am exhausted.

Then, right at the end of session he cancelled Friday by saying. Oh, I'm out of town on Friday". Last ten seconds. . . .

This is where I get so frustrated with myself. He showed me such attentiveness and caring all session, but I still felt kind of put in my place and dismissed with that .

I know it is bc it was just the holidays and the session schedule was not as reliable, but it was also bc he insists on so much confiding from me and talking about secrets on and on. . . couldn't he at least say hey I am going to . . . my kids soccer game, a conference. . . I guess I am confused about myself, and why this hurts my feelings.

I think it is likely bc it calls attention to the part that this is a doctor -patient relationship only even though it feels personal. I have plenty of good friends, a BF, and a busy full life, so I cant understand why the psychologist mesmerizes my attention so much. It doesnt really invoke or call to mind my behavior outside of session, and it takes so much will power not to overreact to these little things.

I probably will not mention it to him, bc it seems like nitpicking when he is generally so tuned in, and even to myself it seems like an unreasonable thing about which to be upset. Still, three hours after session, I feel it snubbed.

It was kind of the T version of the Doorknob Topic, and it was in such distancing language after he coaxed me all session to be connected and present- seems hypocritical(?).

Sorry such a long post- I'm frustrated and puzzled by myself.