I have dissociation problems, which my t and I have been working on. I am co-conscious much of the time but not always. What I mean is that I don't exhibit some of the most severe manifestations of DID...such as suddently "coming to" and not knowing where I am. However, I do zone out for sometimes long periods of time. During these zone out times, I am either stuck in my head and not aware of my physical surroundings or I sometimes experience two parts of myself with opposite action urges, so I can feel "locked" in a conflict between those two parts of me until either one part of me wins, or until somehow I can break out that zone. To give an example, a part of me wants to email my t. Another part of me, which I think of as my normal adult self, says No, it's not a good idea, it's not necessary, don't be needy, etc. Then the younger parts gets upset and emotional and starts typing the email anyway. So then I (adult part) erase it and say No again, or else removes out of the email anything that is unacceptable and rewords it so it does not sound stupid and embarrassing. But other part won't take No for an answer. And back and forth. This could last as long as 3-4 hours without a break, although it doesn't usually last nearly that long.


But anyway, I'm digressing. My question is ...shoot...what was my question? Oh yeah. Once in awhile, I've had an odd experience that has always happened in the morning in the bathroom when I have showered and am getting ready for work. It has only happened maybe 4 or 5 times in the last couple of years. But when it does happen, it is terrifying and leaves me very confused, scared, and feeling like I'm losing my mind.


What happens is that suddenly, my heart will start pounding, I will feel increasing anxiety, and then, just for maybe 2 or 3 seconds, a picture will appear in my mind. Something inside me then gets a horrible deja vu feeling and a thought like, "I remember this happening!" But somehow, I still have enough awareness to realize that whatever the picture is showing, it is not something I remember (my normal adult self). So I try to look at the actual picture to see clearly what it is showing. But the minute I (normal me) tries to see the picture, it fades away.


By then, I feel shaky and very scared. I can feel my heart racing and I start feeling like I need to go to the bathroom. I have an awful sense of doom, and it feels like I am disoriented, like living in two different realities or something. Only I can't make sense of what is going on. At that point, I usually sit down on my bed and deep breathe until the terrified and unreal feelings go away. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes before I am mostly OK again. But weird uneasy feelings often linger all day behind the scenes.


Like I said, when it has happened, it is almost always in the morning when I am showering, dressing, and getting ready for work. When it comes on, it feels pretty much the same way every time. And every time, when I get that picture in my mind, and one part of me says, "Yes, I remember that bad thing happening, but I try to see the picture for myself, it goes away.


Can anybody tell me if this would be considered a flashback of something that likely did happen to me as a child...and some part of me recognizes it, while my normal self doesn't have that awareness of what happened? I don't think it's a panic attack because although I have anxiety problems, I don't experience panic attacks. Because this experience happens the same way every time, it seems more like a memory. But I just don't know.


It really bothers me because it is so disturbing, yet I just can't see what the picture is long enough to understand what it (and the awful deja vu feelings) are about.


If it helps any, I know I have bee diagnosed with C-PTSD and GAD, but I also have in addition to that either DDNOS or co-conscious DID. I've been kind of afraid to come right out and ask my t which diagnosis fits.