Well, actually, I do know how I got the depression. It is learned behavior from a very young age about suppressing my better emotions and indulging the bad ones. I often think of my childhood as training me to be frozen... don't speak, don't move, don't make faces, be good, be careful. All because of a male parent who was so frail everything was thought to be a sign of disrespect.

I just have no idea what a normal life is. How is it that I could be so blessed yet in reality, I have not gone anywhere? I am still trapped in my mind, as if there is chaos outside. I prefer the isolation of my mind now, but I used to be very anxious that I couldn't relate to anyone. I have always been different from everyone I've met. Other children seemed like aliens. Adults seemed like monsters.

I was going to go outside today... but I was terrified. There is nothing to be afraid of, really. I can't fathom how people without depression live. Every moment has been miserable, grey, awful, sickening.

But why on earth am I so resistant to changing? And how did it get this bad? (The self injury, for gods sake, why was that necessary? Well, now it is because I'm addicted, but how did it get to that point?) I have been given all the tools I need to be successful, but I am the worst, most mentally undisciplined person I have ever met. My only motivator for being mentally well (if that's even possible) is to be able to use my mind to its greatest extent. The depression clouds my mind. I am good at conceptual thinking, but get lazy around numbers. I simply don't care enough. I am sloppy, lazy, stupid.

But using my mind isn't enough motivation for me to cure myself. I just don't care about my life. I don't care how it turns out. How do I start to care? I am not trying to get better because I don't care. I don't care whether I'm happy or not. I can't imagine what it would be like to not be depressed. How can I accurately build towards something I can't imagine?

I don't know how to take care of myself and need some help please. I don't learn well though. I don't really care about my wellbeing. When will I learn my lesson? Someone said that you only learn the lesson until it hurts, but I resist pain, I don't learn well from it, I have never appreciated the lesson. When I was a child, it was because my father was a fearsome, horrible person who wasn't very nice to my mother, and I had to sit still otherwise he would be upset, but now, as an adult, I don't like to learn simply because I'm arrogant and don't respect anyone enough to listen to them.

I hate myself so much. I'm truly useless. I'm applying for jobs and stuff at the moment. I usually am extremely surprised that anyone would hire me. This has led to some bad results. I can't tell if I have low self esteem or if I'm at the other extreme.

Anyway, thank you for reading all this. It would be helpful if anyone could tell me what it's like not being depressed, if they have ever had that experience. It would also be helpful if you could tell me what your motivating factors for getting better are.

I need a therapist I can pretend cares about me. Above all, I think I need someone to care about me and notice me. It's sad that I don't trust anyone except for someone I pay.