Everything you said touched me so much, I actually cried through the whole thing. I don't think I'm the right person to answer your questions but I was so moved by your post that I wanted to reply.

I'm very depressed too but I remember there was a brief period in my life where I wasn't, about 10 years ago. That time for me was just having dreams for my future, having a strong will to create opportunities for myself and working through problems. I wanted for everything to work out so I kept trying and it felt good even though I failed at everything in the end. What I also remember about that period is that I wanted to feel depressed. I wanted to be lonely and miserable again. It's like I missed my depression I had before that time and I couldn't stand being happy or feel good about myself. I think happiness is a big lesson and we have to learn it in order to live it and embrace it. Especially those of us who are depressed from a young age.

About motivation, well, let's be honest. When we're depressed, pretty much nothing motivates us, right? So for me, the best way to deal with it is actually embrace your depression as much as you can. Love that f*cker so you can work with it (sorry if I'm getting too much lol). No problem got solved just by ignoring it is my point. It's like a tunnel that you have to go through, not around it.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps but I related to your post so much I had to say something. Wish you all the best hun