I’m constantly off and on about motivation and life and everything. I don’t know if I’m depressed, bipolar, normal or what. I just can’t take it anymore. I have big dreams, I want to live in Tokyo and have a big family and all of that. Thing is, I’m not motivated to work for it. Every time I go to school, I feel smothered by the conservative atmosphere, and the strict rules of everything. I don’t know if I want to drop out, I don’t know if I want to work my *** off to go to Tokyo, I don’t know if I want to kill myself, I just don’t know. One minute I’m confident, then I’m depressed and confident that I’m going to end up killing myself eventually. I just want to be with the stars, to be one with the ocean, to live an incredible life of solitude, and all this other stuff. They way I imagine everything, none of this is possible. I want to stargaze for eternity, I want to have a big family, no wait, I want to live alone, but I want to drop out of school and I can’t do either of those if I drop out, or I can keep going through school and move to an island, but I want to go to Japan. I know it sounds stupid, but my mind is tearing me apart piece by piece, and I’m starting to think that killing myself is the solution. You know, I don’t care if there is nothing after death, I don’t care if you go to heaven or hell, or you are born as someone else, or what. I feel like I can’t wait much longer, I just need to find out. I don’t care what it is, I just need something new in my life, something completely out of the ordinary, something that can make me happy, and confident in myself, and just not to be judged for who I am. I am gay, I live in a conservative area, I go to a school with homophobes, I feel like I’m constantly monitored and I have no freedom, I feel like my parents don’t care about my dreams, or that they think they’re unrealistic, I think that I’m not wanted, by my family, I think I’m annoying, and so, so much more. What is wrong with me. I’m so confused. I can’t cry, when I’m sad I just mope around, helpless until my brain decides that I’m suddenly going to be happy, and inspired, and do something crazy, and that I’m going to make my life the best life anyone has ever had.