Hi, my boyfriend/fiance and i have been together over 4 years. We have been through a LOT together, have lived together for years, hiked thousands of miles, lived in a tent for 8 months and a barn for 2 years, are currently starting a business together. In some ways, we are unbreakable. We share a ton of the same ideals, were at one point deeply in love, got engaged, have had endless conversations about our shared future... but things have been slowly eroding over time, and i can't tell if i'm stuck in a classic toxic/abusive relationship (the consensus of my family, the only ones i've been able to confide in), or if we both just bring a lot of baggage to the table (we do) and need a lot of help working it out. Worse, i don't know if it's reparable, or if he's willing to do that work (so far, no - he avoids it), but neither of us can manage to end it either despite more 12-hour breakups than i can count. At this point we are miserable. We fight constantly, haven't had sex in 2 years (another complicated issue). He has severe anger management issues and knows how to say the things that hurt most, things nobody should ever say to a partner no matter what. And each time he does i feel our relationship deflate more. I get pushed past the end of my rope and behave in ways i've never behaved with another partner. But in between the fights, things are good and i get relentlessly optimistic they will improve... but then another explosion and back to square one.
He is beyond frustrated at my lack of affection, which he sees as punishment, but i see as me just plain being hurt.
I feel like he never truly listens to me. ADHD on his part doesn't help and we are both aware of this, but also we cycle through the same issues and fights endlessly and he never seems to fully hear me or care how he leaves me feeling. Everuthong i say gets twisted until i am crying with frustration.
I am frustrated with him not pulling his weight as far as domestic and financial responsibilities go. He feels underappreciated.
I am frustrated with his negative, pessimistic, untrusting views of people, and he feels judged by me.
He has a thousand reasons to avoid dialogue or getting proffessional help, and the one time i convinced him to do couples counseling we went 3 times and he was communicative and nice during the sessions but explosively angry afterwards.
I don't know what to do. I fear that fear itself is part of what is preventing me from moving on (i am 33, have a lot of social anxiety and almost no friends, fear i'll never have a family if i leave him), i can't stand the idea of watching that future we've put so much energy into crumble... i do love and care about him, but i have so much resentment built up and zero desire for sex. i just don't know what to do. Most importantly it is nearly impossible for me to have conversations w him about it bc he gets immediately defensive, plays the victim, isn't able or willing to see my perspective, just sees it as a "fight" that i am out to "win" at any cost. All i want to win is a lovong relationship.
Heeeelp!