Hi everyone,

I'm sorry to bug you again, but I'm "stuck" and have nowhere to turn.

As mentioned in previous posts, I've been diagnosed with depression and GAD, but struggle to feel validated. Lately, that's been even harder since certain things have gotten better and certain things (i.e., school) ... haven't?

Now that I've switched to a different medication (Prozac), there are days when I feel fine-ish. Days when I can get out of bed, shower, that kind of thing. Days when I'm happy to write or hang out with friends. I live for those days. But they seem to be part of the problem.

Every time I feel "okay" I feel an immense amount of guilt. Like I don't deserve to be okay. Like I'm making the "bad" days up. No matter what my day is like, those thoughts linger in my mind. In fact, there've been times when I've contemplated suicide with the intent of ending my "frivolity." (Yes, really. )

I guess ... it's like I want to be depressed. I hate that about myself. When I'm not "blah" and semi-motivated, I'm miserable, not-functioning, self-deprecating, and exhausted - which isn't desirable! Those days, I'd give anything to "snap out of it."

Good and bad days aside, guilt's the only constant in my life right now. My self esteem is in the gutter, and my attitudes toward schoolwork and my future, in particular, suffer because of this. To illustrate, back in September, my psychiatrist told me to take a month off school (I'm homeschooled online), which turned into a semester, which turned into ... I don't know.

Yet the catch is that I've been taking an online (college-level) writing course, since writing is something I really enjoy. As time goes by, my parents have understandably become annoyed. In their opinion, if I'm "well enough" to take the course I'm taking, I'm "well enough" to take high school courses. I don't disagree.

Buuut ...

While I can't blame schoolwork for my depression, between the two, I'm struggling. Last May, I crashed and burned. I ended up finishing two classes in summer school, one of which was delayed thanks to a failed final exam (I had a panic attack and was hospitalized).

Now, I've had six months to finish that course, but I still haven't done it - in spite of the fact that all I have to do is finish some research and create a powerpoint. I've been working with a therapist to get this done, but I just. can't. will. myself. to. do. it. I am bored. I feel doomed to fail. And it's driving me crazy.

I mean, I'm excelling in a college-level class, but not bothering to submit a powerpoint. Plus, the only reason I'm doing well in said class is because I push myself to the extreme (I have writer's block) and am obsessed with the subject.

Which upsets me. Over the past year, I've given up everything I love: 4-H, drawing, horseback riding, pleasure reading (I just don't have the intelligence anymore). But the desire to write - and to join a creative writing class with the same teacher next year - for some reason, has stuck. It's what keeps me going.

Other than surviving, writing is the only thing I can bring myself to do. Sort of. "Creative" writing is a bust (I've written two proses in the past three months), and I hate every essay I write - no matter how good my teacher and my peers think it is.

To make matters worse, I vacillate between convincing myself that I'll one day become an English Major - to my parents' horror, I might add - and convincing myself that I'm a terrible writer/person who'll never succeed or graduate high school. Which, I guess, is true.

Either way ... I feel useless, stupid. It’s like I don’t want to get better. Using “depression” as an excuse.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore. My parents are frustrated with me; my high school teachers are frustrated with me; I'm frustrated with "me." Since I'm still writing and occasionally enjoying life, we're all, I think, questioning whether I'm depressed or a lazy ****. There's no reason for me to be interested in writing but nothing else. I don't deserve even that.

I'm feeling guilty, I guess is what I'm trying to say. I'm a whiner and a failure.

To anyone who reads this, thanks for taking the time to go through a jumbled mess. I'm more down and stupid than usual right now and can't think straight.

- Singin' In the Rain