Thanks so much, Yzen. I’ve gone back to berating myself for posting (it’d seem feelings of “guilt” extend to my internet habits), so I really appreciate your kind words.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I feel that academics are my only “real” problem, which frustrates the heck out of me! It seems so ... pathetic.

It also seems that I’m being judged from all sides, hence why I turned here. I seem to have put all my self-worth into what others think of me. To illustrate, if my teacher appreciates my work, I congratulate myself for not “failing,” for still “having what ‘it’ takes.” But if I speak up in class or feel that I’ve done something “wrong,” I beat myself up and tell myself I’m an awful student. It’s painful.

This habit has gotten in the way of my day-to-day activities and personal relationships, and understandably so. I’ve stopped wanting to talk to my friends because I’ve convinced myself I’m not “good” or “light-hearted” enough for them. (Though that, admittedly, might not be far from the truth? )

And lately, I’ve picked up riding, but only so as to work with my three-year-old colt. He’s always been difficult, so when things go well I applaud myself. However, when things don’t go well, I tell myself that I’m a failure and that I’m ruining this horse. The same goes for personal writing, and, well, everything.

My parents have also been exasperating the problem, which is part of why I joined this community in the first place. I feel that I can’t do anything “right” in their eyes. It hurts. For example, after I told him about my writer’s block, my teacher offered to give me some extra coaching; I was relieved, but my parents started questioning that. Basically blaming me for being “obsessed” and for not giving up, since that’s what I did with my other courses.

What contributed to this whole “feeling guilty” posting thing, though, is their accusations that I’m “milking [my depression]” and a “blob.” Not because I disbelieve them, but because that’s something I tell myself every. single. day. It’s painful. And it’s not helping.

It just seems that for every step forward I take two steps back. Now that I can get out of bed and function like a semi-normal human being, it’s a matter of “why can’t you do this?” and “why can’t you do that?”

I’ve also been accused of self-sabotaging, which stings, because that’s not the case at all. For instance, I went vegan six months ago for ethical reasons, and ever since then I’ve been told that I’m “trying to starve myself to death.” Yes, I have intense suicidal urges. Yes, I’ve lost weight. Yes, my eating habits currently aren’t the healthiest. Yet I’m annoyed, frankly, that people think I’m so stupid as to kill myself that way. Just ... argh!

But it doesn’t matter. In my parents’ eyes, and mine, I’m a screw-up. Plain and simple.

Anyway, I’m sorry for all this ranting. I really am grateful for your reply, Yzen, and I hope this doesn’t take away from that! Thank you so much.

- Singin’