I was triggered so badly over the holidays that I have been having one ptsd cycle after another. I feel horrible about how hard it has become for me to get anywhere near my parents. I get anywhere near my older sister and I end up getting severely triggered and the last time I saw her and was near my parents I suffered the most painful attack that I really thought I was having a massive heart attack. It frightens me that I can be affected like that and it's not a conscious decision at all and I was very much in the now and focusing on being able to finally give my father a gift I had gotten for him the Christmas before this past one.

When I went Christmas shopping this year I did buy both my parents gifts. Even if I have no idea how I can actually find a way to be with them to actually give them their gifts, it just seemed to me that I should at least allow myself to go through the motions of getting them something with a just in case some kind of miracle happens where I can get to see them. Last time the miracle was that my mother fell and broke her wrist and spent time in a rehabilitation facility and I found a way to visit her when my sister was not there. Truth is that it was more of a Christmas for me that I actually got to be with her and hug her and spend time with her. It felt like I had been starving for so long and finally got to feast. At the same time I felt a deep grief in that it may be the last time.

This Christmas my sister lied to me when I tried to call and at least wish my parents a Merry Christmas and tell them I love them. When I got to talk to my father and he tried to tell me the truth, he got yelled at and hearing him get quiet was painful and deeply triggering. I did not want to upset my father when I heard this and I kept the conversation as up beat as I could for him and I tried to be reassuring and loving.

This Christmas really was VERY dysfunctional in that my older brother has cancer that is spreading in his body and he told me not to say anything. My father told me my mother is in the hospital and he got yelled at for saying anything about it to me. I find out that my father's sister passed away and no one said anything to me for a little over two weeks. I don't even know if my father knows so I can't call him and tell him I am sorry about how he finally lost his sister. And Christmas day I was left not even knowing WHERE my mother was/is, and that my older sister's choice is to LIE about it. And I know how "if" I make it a point to call her out, she will just blast me with anger and rage because when it comes to her, SHE always decides what others get to know and she doesn't care about lying or making things up so she gets to be the one in control.

The one thing in all this dysfunction that I learned about myself was how much I get triggered when I witness abuse or neglect happening to another person or even animals. Witnessing all the abuse my older brother suffered over so many years, my entire childhood that traumatized me so much left me with some deep issues I did not realize on a conscious level that I had. I have been realizing how much those years not only left me with deep emotional challenges, but also physical so I guess that would be that my body absorbed a lot on a cellular level. Also, literally YEARS of not being able to "tell" or do something about it and feeling like if I tried to do something it could lead to the person being abused even more. The constant "he is a bad child" that I kept seeing decided about him that I knew was not "his fault" and how the only way I could help was to do so secretly. Yet, often that led to me being hurt too.

My sister called on New Year's day and I HATE talking to her yet I find myself having to pick up because the call could be about something very important when it comes to one of my parents, even that one may have died or is dying. Well, this time she announced that SHE has made changes and that if I wanted to know about these changes that I have to go to her and sit down and LISTEN. Also, she refused to tell me where my mother is unless I do what SHE wants and she also said that she doesn't even have to tell me. In that conversation she also told me how she only has two dates that are convenient for HER to do so. I could have taken a leap into anger and "acted" but I chose not to. I thought that was an improvement in my ability to "control" my reaction and not play into her game where all she would do is punish me even more. At this point she is pretty much on the level of yelling F you loudly and hanging up on me.

I have been cycling ever since, many very bad days. I keep thinking about my mother being alone someplace and because I don't know where she is I can't go to her. Yet the thought of sitting across from my sister the way SHE wants in order to get to know where my mother is, is making me very ill. Also, because of what I experienced the last time I saw my sister, I can't see how I could possibly do what SHE is demanding either. The physical pain that came over me was so intense that it really frightened me. I have had panic attacks but this, this was so intense and the pain I suffered was just horrible and my entire body was shaking. I also know how an attack this bad can actually cause a person to suffer a heart attack. And ever since that conversation I have been suffering badly with the chills. To make it even worse at the same time the temps outside were below zero and suffering with these chills AND trying to brave the dangerously low temps to take care of my ponies/horse felt impossible. My saving grace was that my husband stepped up for me and he braved the cold, yet he was angry and while I got a break, I often wondered which was worse, braving that cold myself, or being triggered by his anger that only made these chills get even worse. I do have to include how my sister withholds things from me and tells me lies and she is doing this for CONTROL so she is practicing toxic behavior patterns with me.

The next morning after the conversation I endured with my sister that triggered me and led to a horrible night's sleep my sister called very early and my husband picked up the phone. She decided she could meet with me that day and my husband told her I was in bed and he did mention to my sister that he was concerned about how my sister is mean to me, and my sister's response was DENIAL and that she is not mean to me.

There was no way in hell I could have met with her, NO WAY. Yet, I feel guilt in that I feel like I am letting my mother down.

Somewhere in these past few days I had a flashback where I was in the psych ward and the only one that came to see me was my older sister. She sat across me cold and stern and told me I better "get with the program and SNAP OUT OF IT" or I would lose my farm and my family too. She was cold and matter of fact that day while I sat across from her with the chills and exhaustion from what I would later learn was from having a post traumatic breakdown. She also would NOT let my mother come visit me while I was there and instead I was left to feel like I was being a "bad girl" for breaking down. She was cold that day, not comforting at all, not even a hug or any kind of supportive caring instead I was an imposition and she clearly did not want to spend any time on me and SHE was doing me some kind of big favor for even showing up.

My sister had not long ago deeply struggled with overwhelming grief when her little dog died. I lost so much of what I loved, yet, she did not care to recognize that and she was cold and impositioned.

The message I kept getting was how wrong it was of me to care and value so much what was taken from me so suddenly. How DARE I need to feel that loss and need to grieve. Being in that place was only traumatizing me even more. My sister came in again to "handle" me and I sat there and literally BEGGED her that if she loved me AT ALL that she would help me get out of this place because it was NOT helping me AT ALL. I never was told that there would be a limit of time for me to be kept in that place. My sister made me feel that I was in danger of being kept there indefinitely if I did not "JUST SNAP OUT OF IT".

I have sat across from her other times where HER take on things were "dysfunctional and even cold and matter of fact".

I gradually realized over these years that it was my sister's behaviors that triggered me to begin experiencing all these confusing flashbacks from my past. I had not realized what I really was to her all my life either, an imposition.

To the depths of me I can't say enough how much I do not want to sit across from her while she INSTRUCTS ME about HER DECISIONS in how things are going to proceed with my parents.

I feel like I am literally torn in half. I have been trying very hard to look at "her loss" and find a way to somehow empathize but I am having a very hard time with that and that's not like me. I think it hurts too much because I loved her and all this time I was just this imposition in her life. My mother kept saying to me "she is jealous of you" and I honestly did not see it. And I have come to realize that it's simply because I existed. I can see it loud and clear now, and I can definitely FEEL it and it makes me quite ill.

I didn't know what forum to post this challenge, relationship forum?, grief and loss forum?, abuse forum?, or this forum. Well, at least I posted it because I did not even know how to do that.

The level of grief in all that I am experiencing with my family right now is
crippling me. And I feel so completely ALONE with it all too. And my best friend, my mother? I don't even know where she is or how she is and what is left of her. My heart aches so bad I feel like I am going to die.