who says i need/have to be healthy, fine or functioning??? f**k

i can SH and drink and end up IP as much as i want. i miss it.

i may well be able to pretend everything is fine, be kind and have an appropriate behavior at work and with "friends" who know nothing about me..... and i may even believe it when i act that way.... but im not like that.

i actually want to cry and scream, and fall onto the floor, make scenes and act up, whatever... im tired of not allowing myself. i know its the best thing to do but i hate it. im tired. of pretending and of behaving myself...

for what?