Ouch. Thanks for responding, and for taking the time to read my post. Part of me thinks you're right, and the realization absolutely kills. We've thought of each other as "the one" for so long, been at each other's side mearly 24/7 for the last 4 years due to the nature of our lives. We are close... but sometimes i still feel SO alone.
But part of me also feels it's more complicated than that. Most websites make abusive relationships seem one-sided: the victim and the abuser. But we both have our issues and baggage, and I fear I'M being toxic too. I am constantly frustrated with him, I nag, hold grudges when i feel i've been treated unfairly without a real apology, withhold sex and affection (not as punishment though - i just don't feel it). I do try to control elements of how he spends time and money... but it's because we are trying to start a farm business together, which makes both time and money extremely tight. I wish we could address this stuff in therapy but money is an issue and his "win the fight" attitude and blaming and projection and judging therapists to be incompetent just makes it seem like it would be a waste. I've tried sharing internet articles but he is very dismissive, rolling his eyes at words like "stonewalling" and "gasslighting," both of which he does. It's all fake internet psychology designed to feed women's victim identities.
And sometimes i feel like i'm just really hard to love, too sensitive, too needy, maybe i blow things out of proportion and hang onto stuff too long. Who else would stick around after 2 years of no sex? He acts like a tirelessly loving committed husband who ended up with a difficult, "intense" wife. Did he??
I have never been so confused about how to feel, and it has been eating up tremendous amounts of energy and focus over the years. So tired of the cycles and desperate for change.