I have been very triggered lately and feeling urges to self harm. More like thoughts about urges to self harm, not just urges to self harm.

I've been drawing a lot the past few days, picking up some artwork and recommitting to do the real artwork that I had wanted to back when I was at my darkest. Without the concurrent self harm. But I still want to deal with the subject matter. Everything else I've tried to paint and draw since then, avoiding the real me and the subject that I can paint about with my own unique perspective, it's all been flat and boring. Portraits of dogs. Animals. Nothing with expression, feeling, or meaning.

So I've been re-engaging with this unfinished content. Working on a collection of this art work that comes from my true, authentic voice.

Of course, I should have expected that it would bring up old feelings. I don't feel in danger, the thoughts are just thoughts, and while I find myself debating whether or not it was truly any harm to myself to self harm, I don't have any desire to. My questions more arise about of whether or not a person should have the power of self determination over their own body...but I digress...

I'm working out of an old drawing pad. Having these random thoughts and memories of self harm...I flipped through the pad tonight and found some notes written on one page. I stopped to read them. It was one note written over and over again.

"Tonight I will not harm myself."

It was a strange and eerie reminder to myself of where I was then and where I am now.

It was strangely like staring at my past self in the mirror.

And no, tonight I will not harm myself.

Seesaw